"So You Don't Have To"

(Last week, I was chosen to be a guest blogger for Operation: Stand By Your Man, an organization dedicated to helping military spouses navigate their way through tough circumstances and challenging lives.  This is the article I wrote for them.)

In 2005, two Soldiers came to a crossroad in their Army Careers.  Both faced the end of their first contracts, and had to make decisions about their futures.  Should they leave the military and pursue other opportunities, or should they stay with all the Army has to offer, both good and bad?  It was a decision each had to make and one they had to know would affect the rest of their lives no matter what that decision came to be.

The first Soldiers decided to stay in the Army.  The second chose to leave.  The first Soldier understood the need for order, discipline, and the financial stability a military career offered.  The second didn’t like running, standing, or being told what to eat and when to eat it.  The first decided to go from enlisted to officer, and to make the Army a career.  The second decided to walk away and look for another path to both success and happiness.

There was an adjustment period for both.  For the new civilian there was a loss of income and the daunting task of finding new employment.  For the Soldier, the promotion from non commissioned officer to commissioned officer presented unique challenges in leadership and organization.  To complicate things, the two were married, to each other. 

They were husband and wife before joining the Army.  They went to basic training together. They went to advance training together.  They were stationed together.  When the soldier went to Officer Candidate School and the civilian went home, they were faced with their first separation since there marriage began.  While there were challenges being dual military, new challenges arose.  As the civilian, I can say that staying in the Army may have been the easier decision.

Hi, my name is Steve.  All of the above is true.  In 2001, before the attacks on 9/11, my wife and I enlisted in the Army.  We left for basic training on the same day, with the same job awaiting us.  We moved to Korea for the next 3 ½ years, during which time Operations Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom began.   In 2005, Heather, made the decision to become an officer, and I made the decision to become “Mr. Army Wife.”

Now before I tell you any more of my story, or give you some unique perspective that I am sure will have all of you riveted to your computer screen in sheer amazement at how sensitive I can be as a man, (this is how I view it in my mind) let me say this, THANK YOU!!!  Thank you to all of you who have become willing participants in what I consider one of the most challenging lifestyles on the planet.  As a group, military wives are among the most misunderstood and misrepresented groups I know.  (See the show “Army Wives”) They are also the most committed, most sincere and most helpful women I know.  The military should be giving out medals to all of you, all the time. (Mom’s get more)

How do we do it?  This is the question I get most often from my friends and family members who know nothing about military culture.  How do we live a life of such uncertainty?  How do we move over and over and over again?  How do we spend years separated from the one person who means the world to us?  I have been asked that last question so many times it’s almost annoying at this point.  Usually, it is accompanied by the phrase, “I could NEVER do that.”

Do you ever want to tell people to just shut the f@#k up?  When I hear this statement that is exactly what goes through my head.   I never say it out loud, (ok, there was that once in church) but the people who love to tell us how much they could never do really don’t have a very high opinion of themselves now do they?  Human beings are creatures of incredible talents and abilities.  Usually, I return fire with this,  “How do you know, you’ve NEVER had to try.

I think that as a man, I am expected to be somewhat strong and indifferent about the fact that my wife has to leave for months and months at a time.  The fact is she’s gone right now.  She isn’t deployed, THANK GOD, but she isn’t sleeping in our bed either. I miss her, every bit as much as women miss their men.

So how do I do it?  How does Mr. Army Wife cope with the exhausting chore of sleeping all by himself in a king size bed?  How does the man who cooks each meal for his Soldier deal with cooking for one?  How does the man, who has all of the same needs, urges and desires of any other man, go through so much time without the one person designed to fulfill those needs urges, and desires?  Simple, I do it so those people who say NEVER don’t have too. 

We hear a lot about the sacrifices Soldiers make in order to defend this great nation.  After all, they are the ones in harms way.  They miss birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other significant events that some count as just another day.  They can’t run right out to get a magnificent rib eye steak, or the finest cold beer.   And at any moment, they can be called into action.  The 4 am kiss on the cheek, as they try so hard not to wake any one else in the house, is proof of their commitment to both the Army and their families. 

But we sacrifice too.  Army wives rarely get to settle down in one place.  When they make friends, they know those friendships will last forever, but the deepness of that friendship will only last until the next duty stations call both of them to opposite sides of the country, or even the world.  In many cases they give up any chance at a long-term career because staying in one position long enough just isn’t possible.   Sacrifice is a part of the life any member of the military community must understand.

            

I get it, I really do.  Our lives sometimes suck, but now it’s time for Mr. Army Wife to be frank with you all.  I’m going to tell you something that you may not want to hear.  As great as I think all of you are for the sacrifices you make, there is an inherent problem I see in the military wives community.  Read this twice; especially you young wives who think you know everything there is to know about love, and in reality don’t have the benefit of experience.  Your Soldier, your man, your significant other can’t be your ENTIRE life.  If he is, if she is, you are doomed to live the career of a military spouse in ever growing depression and sadness. 

            

Does that mean you can’t love your Soldier so much that you spend a few minutes each day crying? No!  Does that mean you can’t post how much you miss your man on your Facebook page each day, giving us a countdown so we no exactly when your happiness will begin again? No! (actually that is BAD BAD BAD OPSEC, so don’t post days or dates please.)  Does it mean that you can’t have one or two breakdowns when the baby won’t stop crying, when the car won’t start and when your mother-in-law is being a complete bitch?  No!  What it means is that marriage is certainly an institution in which two become one, but it is not one that is supposed to take away your own God give personality and individuality.

            

When I first became Mr. Army Wife, I believed that I had to be home with my Soldier every second she was around.  When she got home from work, I was there with dinner waiting on the table.  When she got up in the morning, I packed her lunch and sent her on her way with a kiss.  Some days, I would even stand outside the garage door and watch her drive away.  It was very 1960’s sitcom. 

            

For the first year I was an Army Wife, I was trying to be the perfect example of what she needed for me to be.  I was trying to do everything that would make her happy.  I believed that merely being around and doing whatever I could do to support her would make us a better military married couple.  After all, how could spending more time together be bad?  How could giving up my own wants and desires to help support her difficult career be wrong?  What I didn’t know was that while I was sacrificing my wants, I was sacrificing who I was.  I was sacrificing the very man that my Soldier had married in the first place. 

            

Eventually, this dependence I had on being perfect for her started deteriorating our marriage.  We were around each other so much that we got tired of one another.  I didn’t have any friends because I had spent no time with anyone other than her.  I didn’t have anything to do, because all of my time was dedicated to providing for her needs.  In reality, when I look back on it now, it’s like I became a butler to her.  I was just standing around waiting for her to need a drink refill.  She never treated me, as such, but I had made that conscious choice.  It was the wrong one. 

           

Our marriage went south quick.  When she returned from her first deployment, I was excited but it was more the excitement of knowing that someone has gotten home safe, not the excitement of having my wife back.  We spent the next two years just going through the motions.  It wasn’t fun.  It wasn’t pretty.  It wasn’t what any relationship should look like, especially not a marriage.  I want to say right here and now that I take full blame for our issues.  I don’t blame Heather at all.

It wasn’t until Heather’s second deployment that I realized I had been going about this all wrong.  I decided that her time in Iraq was going to be my time to regroup.  I was going to focus on doing something for myself while she was away.  I did just that and earned a Master of Religious Education degree.  I moved home (not with my parents, DON’T DO THAT,) and reconnected with some old friends and made a whole lot of new ones.  These were friends Heather didn’t know.  They were a part of my life, but not a part of hers.

            

Do you know what happened?  I started getting myself back.  I started to remember who I was before Heather and I had gotten married.  I spent time remembering that I like going to the movies with friends, and golfing with buddies, and to the sports bars to watch games.  While she was deployed, I enjoyed the crap out of all those things.  I missed her like crazy, but I didn’t sit at home night after night pining over her.  (There were a couple nights)  I trusted that she was fine and that I had to do anything and everything in my power to remain upbeat and optimistic.  So I had fun.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.

            

I know from the posts on Facebook and the forums to which we all belong that so many of you wives and girlfriends are just living for the moment when your prince will bust down the door, take you sweeping into his arms, and never let you go.  I hope you get that fairy tale, but in the mean time, why are you wasting the precious minutes, hours, days, weeks and months of this short life whining over things for which you have very little control?  Remember this first and foremost.  ALL OF US MADE THE DECISION TO JOIN THE ARMY.  It wasn’t forced on us.  There was no gun pointed at our heads.  We decided to be Soldiers or spouses.  We have to make the most of those decisions, not shrug our shoulders, hang our heads, and cry until we get our significant others back. 

Whenever I hear those people tell me that they could never do something, I like to remember these words from magician, David Blaine, “We are all capable of infinitely more than we believe.”  I know that you can do whatever it is that makes you the person you are meant to be.  I know that with your spouses help; together you can be two individuals, making one hell of a marriage even better.  I know that when two become one, they still have to bring their own unique style and individuality to the table.  Don’t lose yourself, in trying to please your husband.  Take it from a man; he wants you to be who you are.  He wants you to be the woman he married.

As Army Wives, we have the courage to be fight because we know that loneliness stands for freedom. As Army Wives, we have the strength to commit, because we know that commitment stands for loyalty.  As Army Wives, we have the desire to persevere, because we know that perseverance serves a higher purpose.  We fight.  We commit.  We persevere.  We do so without glory, without prestige and without much fanfare.  The next time someone asks you, “How can you do this?  How can you be an Army Wife?  I could never do that,” just look at them and say, “Don’t worry, I got this!  You don’t have too!”