Losing Hope, Finding ...

Disclaimer:  Over the past several months I have tweeted and posted Facebook statuses about the joy of not having children.  As expected some found my posts insensitive and rude, while others found them funny and refreshing.  In either case, I always intended to tell the whole story, so today is the first part of that.  I want it known that Heather and I don't hate children and anyone who has been around us with their kids in the last year can testify to that fact.  Enjoy and I would love your feedback.  

Part 1

Losing “Hope”

It’s Christmastime.  How do I know?  Well, it’s December 23^rd for one.  I’m sitting in a Starbucks and so far, there have been 10 last minute shoppers who have scrambled in for their caffeine fix before braving the jewelry store, toy factory, or electronics playground for that one thing they forgot their loved one just had to have.   One guy proudly proclaimed, “I’m done!” after he found his last minute stocking stuffer right here in Starbucks.  What a lucky gal she is…unwrapping a mug and a pound of coffee.  It works, I guess.

The real reason I know it is Christmastime, however, is the kids.  Walking through the mall will show you what this holiday has really become all about.  Santa is waiting for a never-ending line of children to sit upon his knee telling them exactly which new Furby or Transformer they want him to bring.  Parents help their children decorate houses with the latest Disney Princess inflatable or Despicable Me ornaments to make their home more festive for the holidays. 

There are recitals and concerts where parents, grandparents, family and friends all gather, in order to hear and see their favorite five year old play the “STAR of Bethlehem.”   The list goes on and on, from cartoon Christmas specials, messy cookie decorating and the big reveal itself when the child opens package after package of exactly what they wanted.  Christmas is a holiday for the young, and the young at heart to be sure. 

Yet, in our house there is none of that.  Heather and I don’t have a child to set on Santa’s knee.  We don’t have a princess to adorn with the latest Disney footed PJs, or a strapping lad to awaken with the next Thor action figure.  We bake cookies primarily in batches big enough for two, and our biggest tradition is going to the movies on Christmas Day.  This year, I think American Hustle or Saving Mr. Banks is on the agenda.

You see, for the past 10+ years, Heather and I have struggled with infertility.  What makes it worse is that after all the testing, countless doctors appointments and treatments our infertility is unexplained.  In other words, the people who are supposed to be able to tell us why, can’t.  Apparently, this is true for 1 in 3 infertile couples.     

When we started trying to have children, we were approaching 30 years of age.  After the first year, we decided to get tested and the doctors couldn’t find any problems.  We continued trying until Heather learned she would deploy the first time.   At that point, we also put paperwork and money into an adoption from China.  We were told it would be approximately 18 months.  That was in 2006. 

When Heather returned from deployment #1, we continued to wait for the Chinese adoption to go through, but were told the timeline was expanding.  Now the wait time was up to 2 ½ to 3 years and would expand further.  We continued to hold out hope, while at the same time trying to conceive again.  We had more testing done, went through a couple of procedures, still without any luck or “little blessing” depending on to whom you are talking. 

Then in 2009, after learning that Heather would once again deploy we stopped trying again.  The Chinese adoption was now at a wait time of 4 to 5 years, and we were seriously thinking about removing ourselves from the list.  Yet, through the deployment we went.  Thinking that 2010 would be different. 

It wasn’t.  We tried even more methods such as ovulation tests, tracking her temperature and whatever the latest techniques and methods Google had to help those of us seriously wanting a child.  At 36 years old and facing another 2 moves within the next two years, we were confused, angry and horrified at the prospect that children were not going to be a part of our life. 

Let me pause here and say that the emotional gambit you run through during an experience like this is insane.  For the first year or two there is confusion.  At 30 years old, most of your friends are have already had or are having their children.  What’s wrong with us?  What are we doing wrong?  Are we not “practicing’ enough.  (That wasn’t the problem!)  As Christians, we wonder if we are somehow not good enough in God’s eyes to be parents.  Is there some sin that is preventing us from receiving His blessing? (Serious Southern Baptist theology there.)  Is the drug riddled girl somehow more capable of carrying and caring for a child than us? 

As the years go on, confusion turns to sadness.  On that simple day, once a month, that reveals that you certainly are not pregnant there are tears.  Tears that prevent you from falling back to sleep.   Tears that make you question your own worth.  Tears that sting as they roll off of your face and onto the belly that remains barren.  On my side of the bed that sadness bring anger.  Each and every month I went through at least a 24-hour period where I was mad at God, and at myself for not giving Heather the one thing she desires.  When I see the mothers and fathers out there in the world, surely we are at least as qualified as them.   GOD, WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO US!!!

Ok, back to the story.  In 2011 we moved once again and decided to go to one more doctor.  Now 37 years old, we were told plainly that we would need more help than anything we had tried before.  The doctor still couldn’t tell us why we haven’t been able to have children, but he said that clearly there was a reason, and that outside help was the only way to go.  We left the doctors feeling confused and dejected, but still held out some hope that we would have children. 

Heather was now at a point where she was unsure about wanting to be pregnant.  She was older now and her career was in a great place.  We talked more and more about adoption, which was something I had always felt would be a great way to build our family.  I contacted the Adoption Agency who was handling our paperwork for China, and was told that the wait time was still increasing and could be up to 8 years now.  At this point, we were just pissed off.  What started as an 18-month journey was now going to be 8 years.  I was prepared for that at 33, but at 38…not so much.  Something had to change.  We made the very difficult decision to stop the process for the Chinese adoption.  That was not a good day for me. 

Heather and I then discussed the possibility of older child adoption.  Would be willing an able to take an older child into our home and give it the type of love and stability he or she needs?  After a move to Virginia, we visited three adoption agency all involved in finding homes for both infants and older children.  We came away from each meeting more discouraged and dejected.  The number of infants coming through the system had been drastically reduced and it couldn’t support demand.  (I think that is probably a good thing.)  We were told, and after thinking about it I agree, that the military life is difficult and could cause more problems for older children who have been without stability.  They need to stay in one place, make permanent friends, and have structure.  At this time in our lives, we are still moving around a lot.  That isn’t conducive. 

But the biggest discouragement to Heather and I was the cost.  I have heard it said that it is illegal to buy or sell a baby in the United States, but let me tell you.  If you want a healthy infant in this country you will pay at least $25000.  These are all under the guise of fees, taxes, lawyers, court costs and doctors bills, but $25000 is a lot of money, so if you don’t think you are buying a child, then think again.   I have heard social worker after social worker, and adoption agent after adoption agent tell me that there are too many kids in the system…well this is why.  Caring, loving people, who would make wonderful parents to the children in need simply can’t afford the cost.  It’s shameful!!!  (you don’t have to write me about all the ways there are to defray costs.  I know…most of them don’t apply to us.)

So there we are…in March of 2013 with no prospects of having children.  Heather and I were in the car, holding hands, and I said, “Well I guess that’s it.  I think I am ok with not having children.”  At 39 years of age, I never wanted to start a family this late anyway.  She reacted like the great wife that she is and just gave me a little smile.  I could tell that she wasn’t completely convinced.  After all, how do you want something so bad, for so long, and then just come to terms with never having it?  That really is the question isn’t it?

It’s hard.  There really is no question about it.  Why is it hard?  Well the biggest reason is because while you are spending time coming to grips with the fact that you are not going to be a mother and a father, your friends are becoming mothers and fathers all around you.  When we moved to Virginia three of our friends (2 of which live here) announced they were pregnant.   Only one of these friends had not previously had children. 

And Facebook has become an announcing platform for the world.  I have lost count of the number of pregnancies friends announced this year alone, but I can tell you that with each one, Heather and I pause, wonder if we are really through trying, and then move on with our day as best we can.  The hardest part is writing “Congrats” in the comment section.  We love you!  We are happy for you!  It is still hard to type “congrats,” when the evil side of my brain is screaming, “you suck!”

Still, we suck it up.  We buy gifts, and make dinners, and provide support however we can.  We visit new mothers in the hospital.  Heather attends showers!  I don’t, showers are for girls.  We look at endless pictures on Facebook and on your phones.  We put your Christmas cards on our fridge every year.  We track your children and how they have grown because we love you, and we love them.  It’s what we do.  We love, because we understand that while we don’t have children, yours are a gift, and a treasure not just to you, but also to everyone that cares about you.  

There is still a bitterness though.  Something in the pit of our stomachs that feels jealousy.  There are moments when we look at your sonograms and wish your babies would come out with three heads and dragon’s tail.  There are times when we get your annual Christmas cards and want to tear them up instead of putting them on the fridge.  We don’t, but we certainly have that moment.

It is in those moments when we are weak.  We are still perplexed by the idea that we are somehow not good enough.  Heather wouldn’t be a good mom.  I wouldn’t be a good dad.  Together we would be terrible parents.  It is in those moments that we figure we are being punished for something we don’t know about or can’t understand.  It is in the those moments where we struggle with a life with no legacy, with no one to care for us when we are old, with no one to be there to say goodbye when we are gone.   It is in those moments where simply and sadly, we have lost hope. 

…to be continued.

  

Losing Hope, Finding Joy Part 2

Disclaimer:  If you haven't read part 1, please follow this link, 

http://www.misterarmywife.com/2013/12/losing-hope-finding.html

Part 2

“Finding Joy”

Twas the day before Christmas, and the kids are all talking

about toys they will get from inside their stocking.

Those kids are preparing with holiday cheer

For friends to come over, especially one who has some reindeer

They’ve said they’ve been good, and for the most part they have

So Santa will visit, after they’ve taken their bath.

And Heather and I, will simply lay down to sleep

No Santa gifts to wrap. No cookies to eat.

For Christmas eve night, and the next Christmas morn

are a silent affairs, until children are born. 

But don’t think for a second that we are both sad

Completely untrue.  We see the blessings we’ve had

Because even without a little girl or bright baby boy

Christmas can still be a time of wonderful Joy!

Perspective.  It’s the word of the day on this Christmas Eve, because I think if I have learned anything in 2013 it is that perspective makes all the difference in the world.   Perspective can shape our attitudes.  It can change our behaviors.  It can hold us back from achieving goals, or it can propel us forward into the exciting unknown.  Perspective is the beginning of success or failure.  It matters, and that is what I have had to learn.

So when I left off our story yesterday, it was March 2013 and Heather and I had basically been told that to have a child on our own would require serious help, to adopt a baby would be next to impossible, and to adopt an older child would be unfair to both parties due to the instability of our life and Heather’s career.  We sat devastated at what was now obvious.  Our lives would be one without children. 

We probably took a month or two to discuss it.  We would waver back and forth with the decision.  One day we would want to continue trying.  One day we would see a child lose his temper in Target and decide we didn’t need a kid.  That time of month would come.  I would still get mad at God, and then the cycle would start over.  Then I went home to Florida, to help my Dad with a project. 

“You know;” he said, “It’s ok to not have children.”  You know those moments in life when you are thinking back to all the things your parents taught you, and a couple stick out?  Holy shit!!!  This is at the top of the list, for one simple reason.  It came out of his mouth.  Now don’t get me wrong, my Dad is a smart man.  He started his own business in the early 80s.  He sold that business and then taught himself computer programming in the mid 80s.   He can fix anything.  And as he spends his first week in retirement, I can look back and say, WOW!

But, the things I have learned from him have mostly been nonverbal.  He taught me how to do small car repairs so I don’t have to pay big money.  The same goes with home repairs.  He made my brother and me get up early and mow the lawn or clean the windows, teaching us the value of hard work.  He gave us computers to work on or play with before they were “cool” because he could see the future of both business and life.  SMART MAN!!!

Verbal just wasn’t his strong suit.  At least I didn’t think so, but apparently, it can be.  I guess he just took the words of Teddy Roosevelt to heart, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.”  Actions teach louder than words.  And so when he said, “It’s ok to not have children,” I listened, and I learned. 

 So when I returned home to Heather, I told her the same thing.  “You know, it’s ok to not have children.”  We sat, we pondered, we prayed.  We did them all again and again.  Our minds and our hearts fought to make a decision.  One said, not having kids would be great.  You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.  The other said, but it’s a baby!!!  Meanwhile, those pregnant friends I mentioned in part 1 had their kids.  One came out 10 lbs 5 oz, NATURALLY without an epidural. 

It wasn’t until August or maybe September where we both came to the same perspective as my Father had months earlier.  However, he was and is right, “IT IS OK TO NOT HAVE CHILDREN!”  Our perspective had changed.  Our lives were transformed.  It was time for us to stop living as if we were waiting for something.  Instead we started living as if we were the only ones in our family.  I came up with the concept that living life is cool, but experiencing life is awesome. 

So I took that perspective a bit further.  Not only was it ok to not have children, but it was downright AWESOME.  It was magical.  It was a blessing.  If everyone found joy and blessings in their children, then I was going to find joy and blessings in NOT having them.  In fact, since everyone uses Social Media to tell us about their kids as joys and blessings I was going to do the same.  I mean, isn’t Facebook where we share our life stories.  Mine didn’t involve children, so share I would.

So with a changed perspective I made a series of Facebook posts of why it was great to not have kids.  Here are a few of my favorites:

1.     Whatever I cook, Heather and I eat. And there is no complaining that it has too much green stuff or healthy stuff or looks weird. P.S. if we don't like it...RARE INDEED...then we can just up and go out and get whatever we want.

2.     Gratuitous violence in movies, tv shows or the NFL can be watched whenever I want.

3.     I don't have to worry about having 165 pics of kid 1 and only 12 pics of kid 2. And they don't have to be in some book with their first sock, their first report card and a lock of hair from their first hair cut.

4.     Headed to a theme park.  Everyone in my party is over 40" tall, so I don't have to wait for a growth spurt!

5.     I never have to say "because I said so." Heather does say it to me sometimes.

There are several more, some are holiday themed, some are cheesy, but the idea behind them is that finally, for the first time in my life, I am happy, excited and JOYFUL about not having children.  I have decided to see the positive among what most consider being a completely painful and negative situation.  It is completely awesome, fantastic, fabulous and wonderful not having children.  And some of you parents know it!!!

Why do I say that?  For two reasons:  One, you have told me.  In fact, some of you have given me suggestions to add to my list.  You have laughed with us whenever I say something out loud.  You have rolled your eyes at me when I come up with a new great thing about not having children because you are considering the source.  You get it and you get me.  Thanks!

The other reason I know some parents know that I am right? because they are offended by what I have written.  Now let me get one thing straight, my intent was not to offend anyone, but I have long been a proponent of the fact that we have offensiveitis in this country.  That is the disease of being offended at anything that doesn’t live up to ideals of life.  It certainly seems that some of my Facebook friends and family took deep offense to what I said.  To them, I say I am sorry you were offended, but I stand by my statements as both jokes and as truth to the joy that is my life. 

I could respond to all of the offended here individually, but that would be a longer blog than this is already so let me just say this.  I know that children are a blessing.  I know that you love yours more than anything.  However, not having children can be as equal a blessing.  Not having children can allow us the opportunity to do things we wouldn’t have otherwise had the time, resources or inclination to do.   And, it means I don’t have to scrub crayon, paint and pencil off my walls.  See, a blessing!

Perspective.  It really can change your attitude.   I don’t need a child to build a legacy.  I can see the legacy being built in the children of my brother and sister-in-law.  They have so much of their Grandparents, and Great-Grandparents in them already and as a by-product so much of Heather and me too.  That little girl is stubborn and I love it, and love her!  Thanks Mamaw!

Perspective.  It gives us the ability to move forward rather than look backward.  What if becomes what’s next?  We live for what we have, not for what we are constantly trying to tell ourselves is the next logical step.  We deal with the hand we are dealt, not for the wish that some Ace of Spades is lingering as the next card in the deck. 

Perspective.  It changes us.  It allows us to play with the children of our friends and family without letting bitterness, anger and sorrow creep in.  Just ask the parents of the two little girls who jumped all over me Saturday night while I sat their and tickled them.  Just ask the mother of the little girl who will climb on my lap and let me tell her that I love her because her father currently can’t give her the hugs she needs. (thanks army life)  Just ask the mother of the five year old who got to go to on lunch and movie date with me just because it was Tuesday and she didn’t have school.  There are countless other examples, but these are just the most recent.

Heather and I don’t hate kids, we love them.  We love yours.  We love our nephew and neice, and if called upon would care for them just as they were our own.   We love visiting our cousins’ kids spread all over the globe.  We love our friends’ kids, and can’t wait to watch them open gifts just like you can’t wait for your kids to do the same. 

That doesn’t mean it is easy.  Perspective may change, but the truth that we don’t have children hasn’t.  There are moments when it is still tough.  That’s why I am saying right here and now.  Don’t judge people without kids if they don’t come to a birthday party for your 3 year old or if they leave a little bit sooner than you would like.  Don’t be upset if they don’t immediately congratulate you on Facebook after you post a sonogram.  Don’t let the fact that they don’t want to babysit for hours upon hours ruin your relationship with them.  Sometimes it isn’t easy for them to be around children at all.  It can be downright painful.

But perspective can help.  It’s OK to not have children.  It’s a blessing to not have children.  It’s a lot of fun not having children.  There is nothing wrong in believing that or expressing it.  In fact, let me scream from the mountaintop and pass around a cigar, “IT’S A NOTHING!!!”  Man that felt good. 

So as your children get snuggled all nestled in bed

Remember these words plus the ones you just read.

It’s ok to be married without any kids

In fact is great having cups without any lids

Heather and I want to wish you the best

Lots of good food, good gifts, and hopefully some rest

As for Heather and I, we will lay down to sleep

And arise when we want, for we won’t here a peep

No children will jump, no children will scream

Just sincere peace and quite, in all of our dreams

So Merry Christmas to all, and to all your kids too

When they wake in the morn, may it be like a zoo.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Schmitts

PS:  We haven’t stopped practicing!!!

Fearing the Fear

When Waves Crash Down

When I was a little boy I lived near a beach.  So close in fact, that my mother would take me, my brother and whatever friends wanted to go on a daily basis.  When school let out for the summer, we knew that the beach would be our next stop.  It was a place where we could run free, where we could swim, where we could take a few hours and just do pretty much whatever we wanted.  There were sun, surfing and sand castles.  All in all, it wasn’t a bad way to grow up.  But then something changed…

I was probably 12 or 13 when my love for the beach changed.  A group of us had gone out to this certain strip of coast where the park contained pavilions for grilling, tables for eating and nets for a little beach volleyball.  The surf was a little rough that day, but nothing I hadn’t faced before.  A couple of friends and I decided to do a little body surfing before heading back to the park area for burgers.  If you haven’t done this particular beach event before, basically it involves catching a wave as if your body is the surfboard.  If you catch the wave just right, you can ride it all the way to shore. 

We were having a lot of luck catching waves that day.  They were higher than normal, which made them even more rideable.  I probably went out 5 or 6 times with no issue.  I would catch the wave I liked, ride it to shore, and then swim back out to catch another one.  I didn’t even notice that the seas were getting a little choppier and the undertow was slowly gaining strength.

With all of the fun we were having, I didn’t want to stop.  So out I went to catch another wave.  I could see it off in the distance, slowly rolling toward shore.  I set myself, ready to pounce at just the right time in order to catch the break just right.  And when the moment came, I leapt into action, kicking my feet and paddling my arms waiting for that exact second when the momentum of the wave would carry me the rest of the wave. 

I didn’t time it right however.  I missed it by a fraction of second and instead of breaking in the perfect location, the wave broke right on top of my head.  The force drove me down to the sea floor and I buckled under the pressure.  In that moment I lost my balance, my composure, and I think I lost my shorts.    You can’t open your eyes in the ocean because you can’t see anything and the salt water will burn.  I was under the water.  I didn’t know which way was up, and the fear overtook every ounce of my being.

I have heard that some people say that your entire life flashes before your eyes when you are in a near death situation.  Now, I don’t remember that, because I was too busy grasping for the surface of the water.  What was probably just a few seconds quickly began to feel like an eternity.  The oxygen that I had held to catch the wave was all but gone and I needed more immediately.  My lungs burned, my head was filled with thoughts of the end.  My arms were flailing about looking for the surface, finding nothing but more water.  This was it, the end.  I was going to die. 

That didn’t happen of course.  Just when I thought I could hold my breath no longer I hit the beach and popped up above the surface of the water.  I sucked in as much oxygen as my lungs could hold and stood up to walk away from the water.  After a few quick breaths and a minute to calm down and assess the situation I realized that my friends were still waiting for the next wave to carry them in.  The crowded beach was full of people going about their business.  Little kids were wading in the shallows.  Girls in bikinis were flipping over.  Men jogged right past me. 

No one had even noticed my distress.  This horrible event that almost killed me wasn’t even on the radar screen of the hundreds of people using that particular beach on that particular day.  Making matters worse is that my mother was in the water, talking to a friend, not 25 feet away.  She hadn’t noticed either.  My thought process became confused.  Maybe this wasn’t the near death experience I had made it out to be in my mind.  Maybe, just maybe, I was overreacting.

So I did the unthinkable.  I got up, walked back into the water and swam back out to catch another wave.  This experience had to be an anomaly.  Something had happened in that last wave that couldn’t happen again.  It was just the perfect storm of everything going wrong.  I determined to do it again if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I was perfectly capable of riding any wave I liked. 

The next wave came, I leapt again, kicked again, paddled again and wouldn’t you know it, the DAMN WAVE BROKE RIGHT ON TOP OF MY HEAD AGAIN!!!  It was a repeat of what had happened not 5 minutes earlier.  I tumbled, struggled and reached for the surface that wasn’t there.  Just like before I badly needed air, and just like before I got it at what I believed was the last possible second.  Around me, no one noticed.  The kids splashed, the runners ran, the girls tanned.  That was it for the beach and me.  I was done. 

Since that day the fear of drowning is one of the worst I have.  It hasn’t stopped me from jumping into a pool or wading in the ocean or even scuba diving, but I am certainly less likely to go to a beach nowadays.  Ever since that event I have always said that I hate the beach.  I blame the heat, the salt and the dirt, (sand is dirt, I don’t care what you say) but in reality it is comes down the beach almost being my murderer, and I don’t need to stare my attempted murdered eye to eye ever again. 

Waves Aren’t Always Water

I am writing about fear today, because I have been with Operation Stand By Your Man for about 6 weeks now, and one of the repeating themes I see is just how afraid spouses, fiancés and girlfriends are to be without their significant other for any period of time.  I am not talking about having a dislike for those alone times.  I am talking about a genuine fear that these ladies have.  They fear that their man isn’t going to come home the same, or isn’t going to come home at all.  They fear that they are going to grow so far apart that reunion won’t be possible.  They fear that going through a deployment may be possible for everyone except them.  It is such a problem that this fear runs their lives and it is the evidence of something so much deeper.  It is the evidence that fear is in control in many more areas of their lives than just their relationships. 

In the emails we receive I have read time and time again words like, “I can’t,” “It’s hard,” or “I don’t know what I am going to do.”  Other phrases such as “He is my world,” or “I love him with everything that I am,” also resonate.  I am not saying that loving your significant other is bad, but loving them with EVERYTHING that you are is clearly taking something away from you.  It is causing you to doubt and to fear the life you were meant to live. 

You see, there is an independent spirit inside each of us that is doused whenever fear starts to take hold.  It is that little voice inside of us that tells us we aren’t good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough.  It is the internal struggle that pulls us away from our dreams and back into the average.  It is the self-doubt that leads us to choose the easy path rather than the one that challenges us in ways we never thought possible. 

From a man’s perspective woman struggle with this self-doubt, with this fear, a lot more than we do.  I am not sure that it is really true, but it is outwardly expressed more in women than it is in men.   It comes across in some silly ways, like when you think an outfit makes you look fat or when you incessantly clean the house more than you normally do because the mother-in-law is coming for a visit.  The problem is that when you are a military wife, everything is magnified, simply because of the life we lead.  That’s when the fear can overtake.

I will admit right here and now that my fear of the beach is nothing compared to the fear of failure that so many of us struggle with and struggle with even more when our spouses aren’t there to love on us and reassure us that everything is going to be ok.  My fear of the crashing waves is nothing compared the fear of crashing and burning each of us face when we want to step out of our comfort zone and try something new.  My fear of gasping for air is nothing compared to those of you gasping for a fresh breath because you live a life that is full of the fear you don’t realize is dragging you down everyday.

My wife said something profound the other day after church.  She said, “How do you know you can’t walk on water, if you are too afraid to get out of the boat?”  So I put that same question to you.  How do you know you can’t go back to school, if you don’t tell self-doubt that you are smart and go register?  How do you know you can’t survive a deployment, if you don’t push the loneliness aside and tell yourself that the time apart is an opportunity to make yourself better?  How do you know you can’t save your marriage, if you don’t throw away the feelings of failure and pick up more productive tools that can help you do what is seemingly impossible?  How do you know what you can and can’t do, if you are too afraid to even give it a try?  You don’t, and if you give in to the fear, you will never be amazed at what you can accomplish.

I have come to the conclusion that most people live average lives because they believe they are average.  Now, I happen to believe that Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines and their families, and all of the other service members in this nation have already taken one step beyond average.  But just being in the situations we are in gives fear that opportunity to sneak in even more.  We can’t allow that.  We can’t tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough.  We can’t tell ourselves that average is all we can expect.  We have to want more.  We have to fight for it.  We have to face the fear head on and crush it. 

To be honest it is all about perspective.  Fear, running our lives, is all about how we see ourselves.  If we see ourselves as average or worse, then fear has won.  If we see ourselves as better, then we can defeat the fear, but it is all about perspective.  Below is a video that I think can lend a lot to the view of perspective.  Watch it in its entirety to see what I mean.

http://youtu.be/wtU_5Pq4ep0

Now is the time to change your perspective and to face your fears.  Now is the time to take charge and to fight against being average.  Now is the time to show fear that you are the boss of your life and that it has no place holding you back.  As strong independent women and the significant others of America’s fighting men you are already part of the way there, just get it in your head that you can push the rest of the way.

One more note…from a guy’s perspective, confidence is a hell of a lot sexier than fear.  What I mean by that is this.  We are not more attracted to a woman who is constantly telling that she can’t live without us and is fawning all over us as if her entire existence is based solely on our opinion of her.  We are more attracted to the strong, independent woman that you can be.  Strong is way more sexy than servile.