An Open Letter to My Non-Military Spouse Friends

Say Anything?

Last night I was speaking with a friend whose husband is currently deployed.  I asked her how she was doing, how her baby was doing, how her pregnancy was going and of course, how her husband was doing.  We talked for a few minutes about all of the things going on in both of our lives.  Some things were good.  Some things were bad.  She was coping with the deployment just fine, as I expected that she would.  Then another topic came up. 

This particular young lady was telling me about a friend whose husband was also out of town.  He wasn’t deployed, or part of the military, but he was gone for a few days.   She said that she asked her friend if there was anything she could do while her husband was out of town.  “He’s gone for a week?” was my response.  Hers? “I know increments of time are different to everyone in how it makes them feel, especially to non military.  So I try to be sensitive.”

I was amazed too.  Her compassion for others going through something so less severe than the deployment of a spouse is awesome.  Especially since during most times we spend time with our civilian spouse counterparts, there are always those few moments of awkward silence as they try and figure out what to say about our own deployment situations.   

Then it happens.  It’s inevitable.  They just can’t help themselves.  In their uncomfortableness, and in their desire to make us feel better they say something that makes us turn our heads and roll our eyes.  We know they mean well.  We know they don’t mean to say something mean or hurtful, but yet we as military spouses certainly can take it that way.  So here I am to help. 

Now, let me be clear.  If I am offended by something you say, that is my problem not yours.  You certainly are entitled to your opinions and I, more than most, encourage you to share them.  But in this instance, I don’t think people are looking to blurt out controversial statements.  I think they really do want to help.  I think they really do sympathize and want to console and encourage.  I just don’t think they know how.  My friend equated it with not knowing what to say when someone passes away.  She’s kind of right!

So for my civilian friends and family members here are the top 10 things you don’t need to say to us when our loved ones are deployed or gone for military service. 

10.  9 months isn’t that long.  (Ask a pregnant woman if 9 months isn’t that long)

9.  At least he’s not in ____________________. (Gone is gone!)

8.  The time will go by fast.  (No it won’t)

7.  You must enjoy the extra pay. (Yep, HAZARD pay and HARDSHIP pay is an AWESOME replacement for my spouse.)

6.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (quotes suck!)

5.  Was he near (whatever bad thing just made the news that week?)  (He was a lot closer than we were.  That’s his job!)

4.  I could never do it.  (Yeah, we all thought that too, and then suddenly we became super heroes.)

3.  Does he get to come home for (Christmas, anniversary, birthday?)  (The answer is always no!)

2.  It must suck being a married and single all at the same time. (Nah, I get the whole bed to myself and get to watch whatever I want on TV.)

1.     Military Spouse – Toughest Job in the Military.  (No, I think leaving home and getting shot at is tougher.)

There are plenty of others, but I think you probably get the point.  To us, in our minds, these are condescending things that don’t really help our situations whatever they may be.  When our spouses are deployed, or out for training or at a range or wherever they may be, there are tons of different things that could happen to them.  These are always on our minds.  And until they are safely in our arms again, there is nothing that will get them out.

Let me share my personal experience with you.  Heather has been deployed twice.   Each time there has been a pit in my stomach because of the fear that she might not come home.  Thankfully, because of technology we were in daily contact during the second deployment, but that doesn’t change the fact that she was in a dangerous place surrounded by an unstable environment that at any moment could erupt. 

The advent of technology has allowed Soldiers and their families to remain close during deployments.  Husbands and wives can watch movies together while Skyping.  A child’s birthday party can be streamed live around the world so Mommy doesn’t have to miss it.  Apps and cell phones can now send texts in real time so that every night there is an “I love you,” and a “good morning” when the sun comes up.  We are blessed by this much contact when people even at the beginning of this war had little.  But it comes with its downfalls as well. 

Everyday I waited for Heather to get on Yahoo Instant Messenger and tell me about her day.  She would be there around 2 or 3 pm and we would spend 30 minutes to an hour typing and talking.  Then she would go to bed and I would feel ok knowing she was safe.  These were the good days.  The days when I knew where she was and how she was doing.  They didn’t happen all the time. 

Why?  Because there were days when she didn’t log on at 2 or 3 or 4 or 5.  There were days when I would lay down at 11 or 12 to try and sleep even though I hadn’t heard from her.  Those days suck, and they are what separate us from the other spouses whose husband and wives go away on business.  They get our minds reeling.  Rolling with the possibilities of what could have happened. 

For me, it was always negative.  Something awful had happened and now I am going to have to do all of the things I never want to do.  I am going to have to plan not one but three memorial services for her.  I am going to have to tell her parents.  I am going to have to scatter her….I can’t even bring myself to finish writing this, so hopefully you get the idea. 

My brain gets so cluttered with these negative thoughts that I don’t sleep.  I won’t sleep until I hear from her.  There isn’t even a chance.  That bottle of wine I drank.  That doesn’t do the trick.  Reading…nope.  Praying…nope.  I am awake and tired and worried. 

The next morning would come and thankfully there is an email or a text or a phone call to let me know that the internet was down, or she had some top secret mission she had to go on.  (kidding about the last part, settle down.)  The point is she was fine and it was just my mind playing tricks on me.  This happens more often than you think.  And when people say the things listed above, negative thoughts, not happy ones run through our minds. 

So, what should you say?  I don’t want to be the guy who tells you there is a problem and not offer a solution so here it is.  What should I say to a military spouse during a time when his or her spouse is gone?  Here is a list for you.

1.     Can I take you to lunch?  (We all gotta eat don’t we?)

2.     How is everyone doing?  (perfectly normal, open ended question)

3.     Can I (be specific?) (take the kids on a play date, help clean the house.  Be specific because we will probably say no to random help.)

4.     Thank You.  (You have no idea how much this means to us and to our Soldiers.)

5.     Nothing.  (Sometimes we don’t mind the awkward silence.  Just being around friends is good enough.)

Once again, this list isn’t exhaustive and different spouses will have different reactions, but it is a good rule of thumb based on my experiences and those of other spouses I have talked to over the years.  When our spouses are deployed, the only thing we care about is their safety.  We are concerned that they are being taken care of, and that everything is being done to bring them home as soon as possible.  If you have the power to do that, GREAT!  I suspect most of you do not though, so just be there for us.

One final thing…I have great friends and family.  For the past 13 years that Heather and I have been on this military journey, they have been amazing support systems for the both of us.  They have laughed with us, cried with us, hugged us when we have come home or when we have left.  They are constant prayer warriors when Heather is in harm’s way, and will never let either of us go without knowing we are loved.  They are amazing.

One thing I think we as military spouses forget to do is say thank you too.  We are thanked a lot.  Our Soldiers are rightfully thanked even more.  But there is a whole population out there that knows very little about that plight of the military family, yet is wholly supportive and caring.  They buy us a meal or a small token just because.  They bake cookies and send them out to Soldiers they will never meet.  They draw pictures in their 2^nd grade class to tell us how much they appreciate the sacrifices we make.  They are the people our Soldiers fight for, and they understand that more than others. 

To my friends and family who have been so supportive over the past 13 years.  Thank you.  You will never know how much your support and love mean to Heather and I.  We have at least 7 years to go, and will need you to be there for us throughout.  I know you will be, and I know you will always say the right things. 

It's Time...

No Time Like the Present

It’s 2014, and a dear friend has challenged me to write a book.  Now, my first question to her was, “why?” Her reply, “because you offer a unique perspective to the world of military spousedom. “  I think she made up the last word, but after thinking about it for a few minutes I realized that she is right.  As a male in what is primarily a female lifestyle, I do have a different point of view on a lot of the issues that we as military spouses struggle with on a daily basis.  Does that mean that people should listen to me or read a book filled with what I have to say?  I don’t know, but it could be a fun little experiment, so off I go. 

In 14 years of marriage and 13 years as a military family, I have learned a lot of things.  One of the most important is that we learn primarily through experience and education.  Those with the experience should help to educate those who aren’t.  While I will never say that I am an expert in any area of life, I do know a little about a lot of things.  I have experienced a great deal during my time in the army and in the subsequent years as a Mr. Army Wife.  My hope is that over the next year, I will be able to help others come to understand that some of the struggles we face can be blessings in disguise. 

So join me won’t you.  Over the next 12 months I will be writing about 12 topics that I believe can help the military family.  There will always be times of great struggle.  Deployments will always contain moments of sadness, loneliness, and despair.  I am here to tell you that I have shared in those moments.  I, too, have sat on the couch staring at the TV not knowing what show I was watching with a glass of wine in my hand and an eye on the keyboard waiting, hoping, crying for an email or an instant message.  If you read everything I write and get nothing from it, please get this, you are not alone. 

Proximity

Do you remember the story of the little girl, her grandpa and a coastline full of starfish?  If not, here it is.  A little girl and her grandpa were walking along the beach when the little girl noticed that near the water line hundreds upon hundreds of starfish had washed onto the sand.  They became stranded, and would die unless they could somehow make it back into the water.  Seeing their plight, the little girl rushed to the aid of the desperate starfish and began, one by one, picking them up and hurling them back into the safe comforts of their ocean home.  Her grandfather, looking up and down the beach and realizing the enormity of her task, became immediately puzzled by her actions.  He asked, “Little darling, what are you doing?  You can’t possibly save all of the starfish.”  The little girl, cast one into the water, bent over, picked up another and said, “no, but I can save this one.”

To me, the little girl understood something that would be a good lesson to all of us.  She understood the lesson of proximity.  Now, Merriam-Webster defines proximity as “the state of being near.”  Google expands on that by calling it “nearness in space, time and relationship.”  These are important definitions, because as military spouses we have to understand one thing, our proximity to a person may not always mean we are close to the physically.  Proximity is about being close, but not always being in a place where we can offer a consoling hug, or a congratulatory high five.  However, living with an understanding of proximity is important if we are going to make our military lives not just less of a struggle, but a life filled with success as well.

Relationship

I like that Google’s definition is divided into three sections, because it makes it easy for me to choose how to break up the next three weeks worth of posts.  Nearness in relationships is easy enough because, well, we all have family.  Not just the spouses that we are trying to live this crazy life with, but kids, moms and dads, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, the list goes on and on.  Being in proximity by blood isn’t always an easy thing and definitely brings it’s own set of issues, but without the love and support of that family life becomes even more difficult. 

I can remember when Heather and I first decided that we were going to join the Army.  We spent six weeks preparing for the roughness of basic training by getting into a shape other than round.  We ran, did some pushups and sit-ups, and watched just about every movie that had some basic training scenes.  Who remembers “In the Army Now” with Pauly Shore or “Stripes” with Bill Murray?  “Private Benjamin” with a very young Goldie Hawn was on the list.  Our personal favorite was “Renaissance Man.”  Starring Danny Devito and featuring the first big screen appearance for Mark Wahlberg this movie was shot on location where Heather and I would begin our Army Career.  The steps Heather and I took in training are the same steps these actors took while filming the movie.  But I digress, this isn’t about the movies. 

What it is about is being physically and mentally ready to go to basic training.  I think since Heather and I joined after we were married and after we had gone through college, the “Drill Sergeant” aspect didn’t scare us so much.  We knew to keep our heads down and just follow instructions.  We knew that thousands upon thousands of people before us had completed each task.  If they could do it, so could we.  

However, as the day we were going to sign up for the military approached there was one thing we hadn’t done yet.  We hadn’t told our respective families.   We had our Military Occupational Specialty picked out.  We had our paperwork in order.  We even had the support of friends.  But Mom and Dad didn’t know.  That was next. 

I guess the nervousness set in because I didn’t know how they would react.  It was early 2001, so we weren’t in any wars or even light skirmishes at the time.  (Little did we know right?) We had chosen an MOS that we thought would keep us out of harms way even if there were something going on.   We had thought through being away from home for four years and were certain we could live with it.  After all, four years to pay off our student loans and be debt free was worth it.  My dad would see that. 

He did.  So did my Mom.  In fact, after several questions they agreed that joining the military wasn’t a bad idea at all.  Since I had to lose 75 lbs. just to go the recruiter, it had already produced a positive affect.  Plus, we had our college degrees, which meant a higher rate of pay and a higher rank from the beginning.  The proposition of joining the Army was smart in their eyes.  SCORE!!!

Why was that important?  Because relational proximity has the ability to provide the emotional support that you can’t receive any other way.  No matter where we live, no matter what we are doing, no matter which path our lives travel down, we know that our families are there for us.  More on that next week.

Time

Ok, fellow Military Wives, admit it, we move A LOT.  Heather and I were talking over the holidays and we realized that we hadn’t spent two Christmases in the same location since 2003 and 2004.  In just the past four years we have lived in seven different locations.   It can be a pain in the neck or a great adventure depending on how you choose to look at it.  I always try to look at the adventure in it, which is why I think I have learned a valuable lesson in the proximity of time.

I have heard it said, “Live in the moment,” but for me that isn’t what time means here.  To me it means, “Make the most of where you are, when you are there.”  See, I see judge my time in a location not by how long I am there, but by the relationships I have made.  This is a lesson I just now understand, and it is my current group of close friends, and fellow Military Wives who have taught it to me. 

Long lasting friendships are rare.  One of the things Heather and I have learned over the past 14 years is that deep friendships are usually dependent on proximity.  Once we joined the Army, and our best friends also found their paths changing, we lost the closeness we once shared.  Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my friends, but I don’t speak to them everyday as I once did.  I am not their go to person when times are tough, and they aren’t mine.  We move, we make new friends, we call, talk and depend on those who are there, “at the time.” 

As a military spouse, I have made tons of friendships over the years.  Some are military friendships, some are not, but all of them are special to me in their individual way.  When Heather was stationed in Florida we were primarily away from the military community.  At that time, I had a group of friends that were single.  Heather was going to school at night and on Valentine’s Day I was able to invite these single friends over for dinner.  I cooked, had a couple of their kids serve and made what could be a terrible holiday, work out for them.  Heather made it home in time for dessert and we had a wonderful time. 

But that was then and this is now.  I can’t cook them dinner this year.  One is engaged so she may have other plans.  One live further away from Florida than I do.  I can’t provide them with the same experience because my time in proximity to them is over.   That can be sad, yes, but it can also open us up to all kinds of possibilities and new experiences.  Each person brought into our life adds something to it.  That’s an important aspect to proximity.

Space

I live in North Prince George, Virginia on the outskirts of Richmond.  Heather is stationed at Fort Lee.  This is the space we occupy at this point in our Army career.  It is the community in which we have been placed.  That is the final aspect to proximity.  The space we are in is the community in which we live. 

There is so much that we can do in our communities.  Find out what you are passionate about and then find a way to help others with that passion.  On Fort Lee there is a Theater Company.  I love performing live theater, so this one of the places where I volunteer my time.  In Richmond is the Fisher House.  They help military families by providing a place for them to stay while their Soldiers receive medical treatment.  There really is no shortage of ways to positively occupy the space you are proximal to.

When it comes to proximity really the choice is up to you.  You can be like the grandfather who views the larger picture of starfish abandoned on the stretch of beach and sees a global problem that can never be solved.  This leads to more complaining and moaning about how life isn’t fair, about how everyone is against you and about how nothing will every change.  Or you can view life like the granddaughter and realize that by helping one, by understanding your proximity, you are changing the world. 

We are all in proximity to others whether it be in space, time or relationship.  Over the coming weeks, we will look at each of these deeper and explore how they can affect our military lives.  It is a great adventure. I hope you will take it with me. 

The Deployment Survival Kit for Wives, Fiance's and Girlfriends

Indulge me for a moment and imagine this.  Your significant other is ready to deploy.  He is leaving for a year and has made it clear that you are the love of his life and can’t wait to be back in your arms.  You know that he loves you with all his heart, and you are already having a hard time holding back the tears.  With one last kiss, one last hug, he turns and joins the rest of the troops in formation.  The tears start to stream now, as two columns march from the building to awaiting busses.  They are gone.  It will be months before you see your beloved again.  What are you going to do?

After the long drive home (distance doesn’t really matter at this point,) you discover a package waiting for you on the front step.  You don’t think much of it, but curios

ity gets the best of you.  You retrieve the box.  It’s plain enough.  Brown paper covers the entire thing.  There is no address, no return address and no stamp.  The only writing, you recognize because it is that of your Soldier.  The only words read, “Because I love you.”  Tears stream again.  One last gift from your best friend and lover is just what is needed in these opening moments of the hardest year of your life.  With anticipation, you rush inside to retrieve knife.  Just what could be inside?

Ok, snap out of it.  For most of you the story above probably never happened.   I do believe that a lot of men can remember to leave a card, or some flowers before they deploy.  But, for the majority, a hug and a kiss will have to suffice.  We just aren’t wired to think in a way that would register that some meaningful gesture would go a long way toward making the year much easier for you.  Heck, my wife never left me anything either.  I think the military members are just so focused on their mission and their training that they forget that their significant others are starting a deployment too. 

That doesn’t mean they don’t care.  Of course, they do.  They care about us, and I bet that if they had the time to think about it and to come up with something great, each and every one of our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coastguardsmen would put together a care package for us, just like we do for all of them.  I bet they would choose carefully what objects would go into that package.  I bet they would all be personal, meaningful and helpful in some way.  I bet it would truly scream, “Because I love you.”

With all that in mind, I have designed my ideal “Deployment Survival Kit.”  This kit isn’t for the military man who is deployed, but rather for the significant other back at home.  It is a combination of tangible and intangible items that I believe every man would want his wife to have.  From this man’s perspective, these are the things you need in order to make the longest year of your life go by much faster and easier.  From this man’s perspective, putting these items in your life toolbox will help you deal with issues you might not even know you had.  From this man’s perspective, this box will keep you from crying yourself to sleep every night, pining for his return.

So read on, and pretend that I am your husband, and I am putting this box together for you.  When you first open the box there will be a letter.

My Dearest Dream,

You are opening this box now, which means that I am on my way.  I want you to know that I am thinking about you every minute.  I am counting down the months, weeks, days, hours and minutes until I get to be home with you again.  Until I can be home, please accept this Deployment Survival Kit as a sign of my love, affection and desire for you to be happy during this time.  Let me tell you what’s in it. 

First, I have put some Pictures and Videos in the box.  Nothing reminds me of you more than pictures of the places we’ve been and of the memories we’ve made.  I know that you could look at our Facebook profiles at 1000’s of pictures, but I also know there is just something about holding a picture in your hands.  It’s personal and real.  Plus, if you fall asleep looking at my picture, dropping it on the floor or rolling over on top of it won’t hurt it.  If you do the same with your computer, you may not be able to look at those pictures again.  I have also included our wedding video, the rafting trip we took on our honeymoon and a few personal conversations I made for you to watch when you need too.  

Because I don’t want you to be sad, I have included some Inspirational Items in the box..  Your Bible is in their with some verses marked.  I put in your favorite movie and some uplifting music I found.  Also, you may like the poster with the quotes and sayings I found from others who have faced similar situations.  Finally, I included another letter, it contains all the reasons I love you and why you are a such a special human being.

I want to be clear about something right here.  Sweetheart, you must never feel guilty for having a little bit of fun while I am away.  To make sure you do get out and have some fun I have included Gift Cards in the box.  I am going to be sad and a little angry if you decide to stay home and hide yourself just because I am away.  Your misery does not equate love to me.  Get out of the house and go get some coffee.  Go to a movie.  Go have a girls’ night with the other wives who are stuck in their ruts and their houses.  Just because my job has taken me to a place where fun is at a premium does not mean you have stop living your life.  Here are some gift cards to all your favorite places, USE THEM!

Can I just say that there is something about you wearing my t-shirt that just about drives me crazy?  I don’t know what it is, but the idea that you wrap yourself in something of mine makes me want to wrap myself around you.  That’s why for the deployment, I am leaving you one of my t-shirts with just a spritz of my cologne.  Wear it if you would like or put it on a pillow.  Just know that I am here with you in spirit and I can’t wait to take the shirt back from you, whether you are wearing it or not.

You might need these!!!

The final tangible item I am putting in the box is a little naughty, but hopefully the results will be nice.  It’s an adult Toy complete with extra batteries.   I know that we all have physical needs, and the miles between us shouldn’t mean that our sexual relationship needs to be put on hold.  I fully expect that you to use this when you are alone, or when we are on Skype or even the telephone together.  My only request is that you think of me, dream of our time together and be waiting eagerly for my return when you can put the toy down for the real thing.

Those are the five items in the box that you can pick up and hold, but I want you to know that the box isn’t empty.  There are 5 other things in the box that you are going to need to survive.  They are things I need you to know; things I need you to understand.  Because I love you, I give you these intangible gifts, knowing you will be able to use them.

The first is Trust.  I want you to know that 100% completely, I trust you.  I know that you are never going to cheat on me, but it goes much deeper than that.  I trust you with every aspect of our life while I am away.  I know that you are going to take car of our house, and our cars with delicate attention to detail.  I know that I don’t have to worry about the dogs and cats or about the yard getting mowed.  I know that I can trust you to make sure that our financial situation is straight and that life will go on as if I had never been gone once I come home.  I thank you in advance for all that you will do.

The second is Freedom.  Like I have stated before, I don’t want you sitting at home pining for my return, which is why I am giving you freedom to get out and do whatever it is you need to do to survive this deployment.  If you need to go smack some golf balls to release frustration, please do.  If you need to go spend time with friends on the other side of the country, I understand.  Please take the opportunity to do all the things you want. 

Third, I would like to give you A Mission.  I cannot come up with the mission for you.  This is something you must come up with on your own.  The premise is simple though.  What are you going to do today that will make you a better overall person tomorrow.  Take a class, or start a new hobby.  Maybe you can finally start training for that ½ marathon you have always wanted to do.  Decide to set some goals and then work to achieve those goals.  You can do it. I know you can.

It's just a little clog

Hopefully, I have done a good job of giving you this gift over our time together and that is A Little Know-How.  I am including it in the box because I know that you won’t turn small emergencies into larger problems.  When there is a leaky faucet or a flat tire, a little know-how will get you a long way.  Do you know where my tools are?  How about the emergency numbers just in case?  Did you know that just using Google or stopping into Home Depot and asking could solve most problems?  I know there will be some issues that you can’t handle on your own, but I am putting a little know how in the box, so that you can tackle the smaller ones with ease.

There is one thing left in the box my darling, and I don’t want you to get angry or upset when I tell you about it.  They are in the box because you are going to need them if you are going to survive this deployment.  There is just no way around it.  So here they are, your very own pair of Big Girl Panties.  I love the sensitive side of you.  I love that you miss me and that you want me to be home with you.  I love that you are waiting anxiously to see me again.  But, and I mean this in the most loving way.  You cannot let those emotions rule this year.  You are going to have to suck it up and drive on.  You are going to have to push through.  You can’t be beaten by the adversity; you have to put on these big girl panties and fight.  I love you, and I know you can be strong, be brave and be powerful when you have to be. 

So there it is, your deployment survival kit.  Please use each of the items in this box to its full potential.  It will help you get through the year and before you know it, I will be home, and we will be in one another’s arms. 

If you remember nothing else from this letter, remember this;  the army may have my body, my attentio, and my presence, but you will always be the only one who has my heart. 

All my love and affection,

Steve