It's Time...

No Time Like the Present

It’s 2014, and a dear friend has challenged me to write a book.  Now, my first question to her was, “why?” Her reply, “because you offer a unique perspective to the world of military spousedom. “  I think she made up the last word, but after thinking about it for a few minutes I realized that she is right.  As a male in what is primarily a female lifestyle, I do have a different point of view on a lot of the issues that we as military spouses struggle with on a daily basis.  Does that mean that people should listen to me or read a book filled with what I have to say?  I don’t know, but it could be a fun little experiment, so off I go. 

In 14 years of marriage and 13 years as a military family, I have learned a lot of things.  One of the most important is that we learn primarily through experience and education.  Those with the experience should help to educate those who aren’t.  While I will never say that I am an expert in any area of life, I do know a little about a lot of things.  I have experienced a great deal during my time in the army and in the subsequent years as a Mr. Army Wife.  My hope is that over the next year, I will be able to help others come to understand that some of the struggles we face can be blessings in disguise. 

So join me won’t you.  Over the next 12 months I will be writing about 12 topics that I believe can help the military family.  There will always be times of great struggle.  Deployments will always contain moments of sadness, loneliness, and despair.  I am here to tell you that I have shared in those moments.  I, too, have sat on the couch staring at the TV not knowing what show I was watching with a glass of wine in my hand and an eye on the keyboard waiting, hoping, crying for an email or an instant message.  If you read everything I write and get nothing from it, please get this, you are not alone. 

Proximity

Do you remember the story of the little girl, her grandpa and a coastline full of starfish?  If not, here it is.  A little girl and her grandpa were walking along the beach when the little girl noticed that near the water line hundreds upon hundreds of starfish had washed onto the sand.  They became stranded, and would die unless they could somehow make it back into the water.  Seeing their plight, the little girl rushed to the aid of the desperate starfish and began, one by one, picking them up and hurling them back into the safe comforts of their ocean home.  Her grandfather, looking up and down the beach and realizing the enormity of her task, became immediately puzzled by her actions.  He asked, “Little darling, what are you doing?  You can’t possibly save all of the starfish.”  The little girl, cast one into the water, bent over, picked up another and said, “no, but I can save this one.”

To me, the little girl understood something that would be a good lesson to all of us.  She understood the lesson of proximity.  Now, Merriam-Webster defines proximity as “the state of being near.”  Google expands on that by calling it “nearness in space, time and relationship.”  These are important definitions, because as military spouses we have to understand one thing, our proximity to a person may not always mean we are close to the physically.  Proximity is about being close, but not always being in a place where we can offer a consoling hug, or a congratulatory high five.  However, living with an understanding of proximity is important if we are going to make our military lives not just less of a struggle, but a life filled with success as well.

Relationship

I like that Google’s definition is divided into three sections, because it makes it easy for me to choose how to break up the next three weeks worth of posts.  Nearness in relationships is easy enough because, well, we all have family.  Not just the spouses that we are trying to live this crazy life with, but kids, moms and dads, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, the list goes on and on.  Being in proximity by blood isn’t always an easy thing and definitely brings it’s own set of issues, but without the love and support of that family life becomes even more difficult. 

I can remember when Heather and I first decided that we were going to join the Army.  We spent six weeks preparing for the roughness of basic training by getting into a shape other than round.  We ran, did some pushups and sit-ups, and watched just about every movie that had some basic training scenes.  Who remembers “In the Army Now” with Pauly Shore or “Stripes” with Bill Murray?  “Private Benjamin” with a very young Goldie Hawn was on the list.  Our personal favorite was “Renaissance Man.”  Starring Danny Devito and featuring the first big screen appearance for Mark Wahlberg this movie was shot on location where Heather and I would begin our Army Career.  The steps Heather and I took in training are the same steps these actors took while filming the movie.  But I digress, this isn’t about the movies. 

What it is about is being physically and mentally ready to go to basic training.  I think since Heather and I joined after we were married and after we had gone through college, the “Drill Sergeant” aspect didn’t scare us so much.  We knew to keep our heads down and just follow instructions.  We knew that thousands upon thousands of people before us had completed each task.  If they could do it, so could we.  

However, as the day we were going to sign up for the military approached there was one thing we hadn’t done yet.  We hadn’t told our respective families.   We had our Military Occupational Specialty picked out.  We had our paperwork in order.  We even had the support of friends.  But Mom and Dad didn’t know.  That was next. 

I guess the nervousness set in because I didn’t know how they would react.  It was early 2001, so we weren’t in any wars or even light skirmishes at the time.  (Little did we know right?) We had chosen an MOS that we thought would keep us out of harms way even if there were something going on.   We had thought through being away from home for four years and were certain we could live with it.  After all, four years to pay off our student loans and be debt free was worth it.  My dad would see that. 

He did.  So did my Mom.  In fact, after several questions they agreed that joining the military wasn’t a bad idea at all.  Since I had to lose 75 lbs. just to go the recruiter, it had already produced a positive affect.  Plus, we had our college degrees, which meant a higher rate of pay and a higher rank from the beginning.  The proposition of joining the Army was smart in their eyes.  SCORE!!!

Why was that important?  Because relational proximity has the ability to provide the emotional support that you can’t receive any other way.  No matter where we live, no matter what we are doing, no matter which path our lives travel down, we know that our families are there for us.  More on that next week.

Time

Ok, fellow Military Wives, admit it, we move A LOT.  Heather and I were talking over the holidays and we realized that we hadn’t spent two Christmases in the same location since 2003 and 2004.  In just the past four years we have lived in seven different locations.   It can be a pain in the neck or a great adventure depending on how you choose to look at it.  I always try to look at the adventure in it, which is why I think I have learned a valuable lesson in the proximity of time.

I have heard it said, “Live in the moment,” but for me that isn’t what time means here.  To me it means, “Make the most of where you are, when you are there.”  See, I see judge my time in a location not by how long I am there, but by the relationships I have made.  This is a lesson I just now understand, and it is my current group of close friends, and fellow Military Wives who have taught it to me. 

Long lasting friendships are rare.  One of the things Heather and I have learned over the past 14 years is that deep friendships are usually dependent on proximity.  Once we joined the Army, and our best friends also found their paths changing, we lost the closeness we once shared.  Don’t get me wrong, I love all of my friends, but I don’t speak to them everyday as I once did.  I am not their go to person when times are tough, and they aren’t mine.  We move, we make new friends, we call, talk and depend on those who are there, “at the time.” 

As a military spouse, I have made tons of friendships over the years.  Some are military friendships, some are not, but all of them are special to me in their individual way.  When Heather was stationed in Florida we were primarily away from the military community.  At that time, I had a group of friends that were single.  Heather was going to school at night and on Valentine’s Day I was able to invite these single friends over for dinner.  I cooked, had a couple of their kids serve and made what could be a terrible holiday, work out for them.  Heather made it home in time for dessert and we had a wonderful time. 

But that was then and this is now.  I can’t cook them dinner this year.  One is engaged so she may have other plans.  One live further away from Florida than I do.  I can’t provide them with the same experience because my time in proximity to them is over.   That can be sad, yes, but it can also open us up to all kinds of possibilities and new experiences.  Each person brought into our life adds something to it.  That’s an important aspect to proximity.

Space

I live in North Prince George, Virginia on the outskirts of Richmond.  Heather is stationed at Fort Lee.  This is the space we occupy at this point in our Army career.  It is the community in which we have been placed.  That is the final aspect to proximity.  The space we are in is the community in which we live. 

There is so much that we can do in our communities.  Find out what you are passionate about and then find a way to help others with that passion.  On Fort Lee there is a Theater Company.  I love performing live theater, so this one of the places where I volunteer my time.  In Richmond is the Fisher House.  They help military families by providing a place for them to stay while their Soldiers receive medical treatment.  There really is no shortage of ways to positively occupy the space you are proximal to.

When it comes to proximity really the choice is up to you.  You can be like the grandfather who views the larger picture of starfish abandoned on the stretch of beach and sees a global problem that can never be solved.  This leads to more complaining and moaning about how life isn’t fair, about how everyone is against you and about how nothing will every change.  Or you can view life like the granddaughter and realize that by helping one, by understanding your proximity, you are changing the world. 

We are all in proximity to others whether it be in space, time or relationship.  Over the coming weeks, we will look at each of these deeper and explore how they can affect our military lives.  It is a great adventure. I hope you will take it with me.