I Can be a Man of Steel

Warning:  Some of the topics in this post are controversial and not everyone is going to agree with some of the what is right and wrong discussion that takes place.  If you have an opinion, please comment but be respectful of others opinions.  

“How do you find someone who has spent a life time covering his tracks?”

This was a quote from the movie, “Man of Steel,” the latest Superman reincarnation.  Lois Lane said this after she met a man with unusual powers and then watched as he disappeared.  She wanted to find him, to know him, to figure out all of the details about him and what made him special.  His past became a web of fiction.  Details turned out to be a path of dead ends in a maze of alternate names and jobs.  The man, known as Kal El in one life, and Clark Kent in another, had created several other lives just so he could keep his powers and his secret to himself.

What struck me as unique about this quote, and this situation, is that while Lois was talking about how much this mystery man wanted to remain said mystery to the outside world, he was curious about his own origins.  He knew very little about where he came from or why his people chose to send him to a new planet.  The truth was hard to find, and in some ways, the more he tried to cover up his powers to the outside world, the more lost he became.  Covering his tracks so others wouldn’t see his truth, had the added effect of covering the truth from himself. 

I won’t give up any more of the movie at this point since so many have yet to see it, but this notion of covering our tracks from ourselves intrigues me.  Do we do that?  Is it something we do on purpose or is it subconscious?  What are we trying to hide from?  The phrase “skeletons in the closet” is often used to describe confidential information we hope is forever hidden away from the prying eyes of anyone.  Even those we love the most are never to know these darkest of secrets.  We cover the tracks of this information any way we can.

Now before I go any further, I think I should say this.  I believe there are some skeletons that should just stay skeletons.  There is no reason for them to come out of their closets because if they do they are going to be like any other dead and then undead thing that we see in the movie.  They are going to leave a wave of destruction in their wake.  More skeletons will come from these skeletons until eventually lives are ruined.  Some secrets just need to remain secrets so that life can move forward. 

But a secret that is put in the past for the benefit of others is not the same as a skeleton you put in a closet hoping to forget forever.  Unless you get a significant blow to the head and get amnesia, you are not going to forget the events that happened in your life.  Especially not the ones that help shape who you are as a person.  Here is the kicker, you can’t run or hide from a past that shapes you into the person you become.  Those experiences, both good and bad, are a part of your mental DNA.

I was recently having lunch with a friend who is in charge of summer missions for a college ministry group.  She arranges national and international mission trips for dozens of college students every summer.  During the course of her work, she reads applications from Christian students who want to serve God with their summer vacation.  One thing she revealed is that over the past 20 years, since I was one of those students, the number of people who have to check the, “Do you smoke, drink or use pornography” boxes, has risen dramatically.  Yet, the number of students telling their pastors, or seeking help with these addictions remains steady.  This means that the stigma attached to each of them is still something most people want to keep in the closet.  They will drive away from a meeting in order to sneak a cigarette, coming back only when they have chewed a wad of peppermint gum to hide the smell.  They will go out with other friends and drink a beer or three, but come home talking of their burgers and fries complete with coke.  They will hide in their rooms, staring at screens of the latest lustful fantasies, and then come out as if there is nothing going on in the dark. 

I know these things are going on because I did all of them.  I can’t remember if I checked all of the boxes on the application, but I know I was a pack a day smoker.  I know I drank socially and in some cases I drank way too much, and I know I hid in my room looking at what was the early days of computer porn.  Those were my skeletons in my closet and in a lot of cases I did a really good job of hiding them there.

That is especially the case with pornography use.  For a card-carrying member of a large Christian organization on a large college campus this was a big no-no.  Add to the fact that I was in leadership with this organization and my use would have been seen as even more outrageous.  For these reasons, I kept it a secret.  I would watch several times a week sometimes.  Every time I would feel guilty, but would act normal.  And the skeleton stayed in the closet.  Looking back at the way I treated some of the girls in my life, I am not sure how that was the case. 

This continued to be the case for years.  I married one of the girls from that very organization and I told her nothing of that particular skeleton.  She knew I smoked, drank with me on occasion, but as for the porn…that I kept in in its closet.  It wasn’t until after we were married…

She found it on the computer.  I can’t remember whether I accidentally left a window open or if she walked in on me, but I was definitely caught.  And she was definitely devastated.  She didn’t expect that I would do something like this, and she viewed it as a betrayal.  I felt guilty, told her I wouldn’t do it again and closed the door on the skeleton once again.

But a pattern emerged.  As the years went on, and the skeleton stayed in the closet he continued to rear his ugly head.  In fact, it almost cost me my marriage.  I got caught looking at it more times than I remember, and each time I put it back in the closet, said I was sorry, and my wife forgave me.  Then it happened.  I got caught again, my wife walked out the door, and I made the decision not to put the beast back in the closet ever again. 

There is a sense of relief that comes with that.  You see, since that day.  My marriage has never been better.  We still have our issues, as all couples do, but when I was able to see how that skeleton was affecting me, and was holding me back from being all the husband I could be, it was like opening a new door to me.  I had the potential to use the skeletons of my past to be a positive influence on my future.  The answer was simple.  If I keep the secret and let it haunt me, I am much less able to deal with it.  If I get it out of the closet and fight it, it is much less able to deal with me. 

I think that is part of what Superman was going through when he was trying to decide who he was in this strange world around him.  He was trying to deal with skeletons he could see because they were behind the closed doors of the closet.  It was only when he could see more clearly all of his abilities, strengths and potential weaknesses that he was able to become the man we all have come to know and love. 

That is what I want.  In my relationships, especially the one with my wife, I want the problems of my past to be a building block to my future.  I want to leave the skeletons right there in the open so if I have to fight them I can get a clear shot.  I want to know that when I am confused about who I am, and where I am going, I can look at the picture of my past and see how it is shaping my present and my future.  I want to see clearly how I am becoming my own person, how I am transforming into the unique individual I was meant to be.  I want to know how I am shifting into my very own version of the “Man of Steel.”