Let's Bring Our Sexy Back

 I can’t help but think that what I am about to write is going to get me into hot water with some of you spouses.  I can’t help but believe that as much as you say you want to know what your men are thinking, you really don’t want to hear it.  I can’t help but believe that while a lot of you are going to read this and think about what I am writing, some of you are going to be angry with me.  You are going to feel like I am judging you and your relationship personally.  Let me assure you now that I am not.  I don’t know very many of you personally at all, and the ones I do know, know that I have their best interests at heart when I speak about relationships.  With all that being said, let’s get to it.  This article won’t write or read itself.

Ladies, you are letting yourselves go.  I am not judging each of you individually, but rather as a group, because when I walk around my local PX, Commissary or other store, I can see the trend.  Spouses of Soldiers have become a group who no longer cares what they look like or what they do.  A vast majority, have just given up.  Let me give you a few examples.

-If you wear pajama pants to the store, you have given up.

-If your sweatpants have pockets in the back, you have given up.

-If your hair is all ways of crazy, and not on purpose, you have given up.

-If you get back in the car to sit down while your gas tank is filling, you have given up.

-If you go through the drive-thru and then eat your food in the parking lot, you have given up. 

Calm down, stop screaming, there might be exceptions to some of these (not for the pajama pants), but from a man’s perspective these are just a few of the examples that show us that you are no longer interested.  What is worse is that it isn’t showing us that you aren’t interested in us. It shows us that you aren’t interested in yourself.  You have given up trying to be the very best person that you can be.  That kind of makes us sad.  Please ladies, do your husbands, your Soldiers, your heroes a favor. It’s time to bring the Sexy back.

I hope you notice that not once did I mention your weight or a number on a scale.  The fact is that women are far more likely to judge themselves based on those things than their men are.  Don’t get me wrong, we look at weight, and I will go into that a little more later, but overall, a woman’s sexiness is not based on the size of her belt line.  My fat ass is certainly not going to judge you for that.  I know the difficulties that come with an extra chin hanging around for the ride. 

My hypothesis rather is this, women are no longer interested in themselves because they have either lost or never had the confidence to be beautiful in their own eyes, which makes it a lot less likely for them to be beautiful in the eyes of others.  Confidence equals sexiness, at least in the long term.  It doesn’t matter what you look like, or what your personality.  If you don’t have confidence, you are going to lose the sexiness factor every time.

Let me put it this way.  Two ladies are walking side by side in the PX.  One got out of bed, tied her hair up in some crazy way, put Crocs on and got in her car.  The other took the time to take a shower, do her hair, put on a little make up, a dress and nice pair of shoes. (You all love to define how you look based on the shoes you wear…I don’t get it, but I do like it)  I ask you, which one is more likely to get a few nods, smiles, or winks?  Which is more likely to get their picture on the peopleofwalmart.com website?

It doesn’t matter whether these ladies are overweight or thin as a string bean, the one who respects herself enough to give her the best possible chance at a great day, is the one who is going to be seen as a strong, confident and sexy woman.  The other is going to be ignored.  This translates to the marriage even more, and that is what I am really interested in helping. 

I think it is probably a safe bet to say that most of you military wives think your husbands are drop dead sexy in their Army uniforms.  Women love a man in uniform and the military uniform just seems to do something to make men more beautiful than ever in your eyes.  I’m not going to deny the appeal, but I am going to tell you that as much as I love my wife, and as beautiful as I believe she is, I am not particularly attracted to her uniform.  Why do you think that is?

Easy, the uniform does not add confidence to my wife like it does with most men.  Men put on that military uniform and become tougher, stronger, and more capable of taking the world by storm.  While this may happen for a lot of women, it isn’t the case for my wife.  The uniform doesn’t enhance her best personality traits.  Therefore, it doesn’t add to the sexiness.  However, you put her in a dress and a set of heels, and the transformation is much different.  She walks with a different swagger.  The aura around her shines a little brighter.  You can tell that she feels sexier in the dress and heels, and therefore has more confidence.  That confidence is what makes her sexy.

After 13 years of marriage I have learned this one thing.  Being comfortable in your own skin is what makes you sexy.  It isn’t about your weight.  If you feel like your weight is preventing you from being sexy, you have two choices, be happy or lose weight.  Otherwise, you are just going to be mired in self-pity and that isn’t sexy to anyone.  Get up.  Get to work.  Do whatever it is that will make you sexy in your own eyes.  I assure your, your husband will see you as sexy again too.

You want some help huh?  What do I think you should do to make that happen?  Well, here are a few things…

1.     Take a shower daily.  I wish this didn’t have to be said, but it does.  I know the baby is screaming and dinner won’t cook itself and the house is a disaster, and the car is broken, but the shower is about so much more than getting clean.  It’s about giving yourself 10 minutes to breath.  If you have to get up at 5 am when your husband leaves for PT in order to get that shower, do it.  It is the first and most important way that we can feel better about ourselves.

2.     Get dressed!  I can remember when I was in high school and college all the girls had to wear the latest fashions and had to dress up almost every day because they were trying to impress the football stud or the class president.  Then we all get married and it is like we have no reason to impress anyone at all.  But, a pair of jeans and a shirt at least lets people know, including most importantly your husband, that you have your shit together.  How you look, represents how your house looks, how your family looks and how your personality looks.  Believe me those gossipy women at the FRG meeting are not talking about how much they can’t believe that one woman had the gall to wear a skirt and flats.  Nope they are talking about the Pajama pants woman, and they won’t forget her.

3.    Make the bed!   I don’t think I can emphasize this one enough.  Nothing did more for my marriage in the bedroom than making the bed each morning has done.  There is something about climbing into a made bed that just brings the best out in people.  You will get better nights sleep, you will be able to cuddle better, and you will appreciate the accomplishment more than you know.  It is a two-minute chore with a lifetime of rewards.  Do it.

4.    Solicit his help!  I am going to let you in on this secret.  I have become an expert at picking out clothes for my wife.  She won’t even go shopping without me now.  I don’t think this because she doesn’t have taste.  Rather, I believe it’s because I only want to see her look her absolute best and so if something doesn’t make her look great, I’ll tell her.   You can’t be afraid to let your husband be honest with you about how you look.  If he doesn’t think it makes you look your best, it doesn’t matter how great it looks on the hanger, he is never going to like you in it.  The best way for you to start feeling better about yourself is to trust in the opinions of those who love you most.  Your hubby knows, get him to tell you the truth.

5.    Go for a walk!  This is not about exercising to lose weight, although that certainly can be a by-product.  Taking 30 minutes to do something completely for yourself is going to give you the confidence to know that you matter to yourself.  I think this is a major problem in today’s world.  Women put everyone in front of themselves and therefore their own personal time is taken away.  This takes away their feeling of autonomy, which takes away from their confidence.  You can’t do that. 

These five things just barely scratch the surface of things you can do to help build confidence.  Setting goals for things you never thought possible and then working toward those goals is another way.  Opening yourself up to new experiences is another.  In fact there are endless ways to find your confidence.  Each case is different.  Each person is different.  But all of you have the ability to be comfortable in your own skin.  You are uniquely you.  Be the best you that you can be. 

Let me end by saying this.  We all want our marriages to be something written about in the greatest love stories.  We want our spouses to look at us each day with the same love that was present on the day we said “I DO.”  But it takes effort.  Marriages are hard work, and as much as we want to train the other person to live in our world, we have to train ourselves to live in theirs as well.  If your husband doesn’t see you as sexy anymore, ask yourself, is it because he has changed or because you have given up.  I know I gave up at one point.  I know I just didn’t care.  It was my fault.  Even as a man, I lost my confidence and my sexiness.  At least the sexiness that she sees. 

Confidence only comes by caring about YOU.  Athletes gain confidence because they care enough to put in the hours of practice that it takes to become great.  Soldiers gain confidence because they care enough to focus on their training and on their missions.  You can gain confidence by caring enough about how you present yourself that you will always be just as sexy as you have always been. 

From a man’s perspective, sexiness has much more to do with confidence that it does with looks.  If you carry yourself with an attitude and aura that screams, “I love who I am!” we will love you too.  Give yourself that chance.  You deserve it.