Losing Hope, Finding Joy Part 2

Disclaimer:  If you haven't read part 1, please follow this link, 

http://www.misterarmywife.com/2013/12/losing-hope-finding.html

Part 2

“Finding Joy”

Twas the day before Christmas, and the kids are all talking

about toys they will get from inside their stocking.

Those kids are preparing with holiday cheer

For friends to come over, especially one who has some reindeer

They’ve said they’ve been good, and for the most part they have

So Santa will visit, after they’ve taken their bath.

And Heather and I, will simply lay down to sleep

No Santa gifts to wrap. No cookies to eat.

For Christmas eve night, and the next Christmas morn

are a silent affairs, until children are born. 

But don’t think for a second that we are both sad

Completely untrue.  We see the blessings we’ve had

Because even without a little girl or bright baby boy

Christmas can still be a time of wonderful Joy!

Perspective.  It’s the word of the day on this Christmas Eve, because I think if I have learned anything in 2013 it is that perspective makes all the difference in the world.   Perspective can shape our attitudes.  It can change our behaviors.  It can hold us back from achieving goals, or it can propel us forward into the exciting unknown.  Perspective is the beginning of success or failure.  It matters, and that is what I have had to learn.

So when I left off our story yesterday, it was March 2013 and Heather and I had basically been told that to have a child on our own would require serious help, to adopt a baby would be next to impossible, and to adopt an older child would be unfair to both parties due to the instability of our life and Heather’s career.  We sat devastated at what was now obvious.  Our lives would be one without children. 

We probably took a month or two to discuss it.  We would waver back and forth with the decision.  One day we would want to continue trying.  One day we would see a child lose his temper in Target and decide we didn’t need a kid.  That time of month would come.  I would still get mad at God, and then the cycle would start over.  Then I went home to Florida, to help my Dad with a project. 

“You know;” he said, “It’s ok to not have children.”  You know those moments in life when you are thinking back to all the things your parents taught you, and a couple stick out?  Holy shit!!!  This is at the top of the list, for one simple reason.  It came out of his mouth.  Now don’t get me wrong, my Dad is a smart man.  He started his own business in the early 80s.  He sold that business and then taught himself computer programming in the mid 80s.   He can fix anything.  And as he spends his first week in retirement, I can look back and say, WOW!

But, the things I have learned from him have mostly been nonverbal.  He taught me how to do small car repairs so I don’t have to pay big money.  The same goes with home repairs.  He made my brother and me get up early and mow the lawn or clean the windows, teaching us the value of hard work.  He gave us computers to work on or play with before they were “cool” because he could see the future of both business and life.  SMART MAN!!!

Verbal just wasn’t his strong suit.  At least I didn’t think so, but apparently, it can be.  I guess he just took the words of Teddy Roosevelt to heart, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.”  Actions teach louder than words.  And so when he said, “It’s ok to not have children,” I listened, and I learned. 

 So when I returned home to Heather, I told her the same thing.  “You know, it’s ok to not have children.”  We sat, we pondered, we prayed.  We did them all again and again.  Our minds and our hearts fought to make a decision.  One said, not having kids would be great.  You can do whatever you want, whenever you want.  The other said, but it’s a baby!!!  Meanwhile, those pregnant friends I mentioned in part 1 had their kids.  One came out 10 lbs 5 oz, NATURALLY without an epidural. 

It wasn’t until August or maybe September where we both came to the same perspective as my Father had months earlier.  However, he was and is right, “IT IS OK TO NOT HAVE CHILDREN!”  Our perspective had changed.  Our lives were transformed.  It was time for us to stop living as if we were waiting for something.  Instead we started living as if we were the only ones in our family.  I came up with the concept that living life is cool, but experiencing life is awesome. 

So I took that perspective a bit further.  Not only was it ok to not have children, but it was downright AWESOME.  It was magical.  It was a blessing.  If everyone found joy and blessings in their children, then I was going to find joy and blessings in NOT having them.  In fact, since everyone uses Social Media to tell us about their kids as joys and blessings I was going to do the same.  I mean, isn’t Facebook where we share our life stories.  Mine didn’t involve children, so share I would.

So with a changed perspective I made a series of Facebook posts of why it was great to not have kids.  Here are a few of my favorites:

1.     Whatever I cook, Heather and I eat. And there is no complaining that it has too much green stuff or healthy stuff or looks weird. P.S. if we don't like it...RARE INDEED...then we can just up and go out and get whatever we want.

2.     Gratuitous violence in movies, tv shows or the NFL can be watched whenever I want.

3.     I don't have to worry about having 165 pics of kid 1 and only 12 pics of kid 2. And they don't have to be in some book with their first sock, their first report card and a lock of hair from their first hair cut.

4.     Headed to a theme park.  Everyone in my party is over 40" tall, so I don't have to wait for a growth spurt!

5.     I never have to say "because I said so." Heather does say it to me sometimes.

There are several more, some are holiday themed, some are cheesy, but the idea behind them is that finally, for the first time in my life, I am happy, excited and JOYFUL about not having children.  I have decided to see the positive among what most consider being a completely painful and negative situation.  It is completely awesome, fantastic, fabulous and wonderful not having children.  And some of you parents know it!!!

Why do I say that?  For two reasons:  One, you have told me.  In fact, some of you have given me suggestions to add to my list.  You have laughed with us whenever I say something out loud.  You have rolled your eyes at me when I come up with a new great thing about not having children because you are considering the source.  You get it and you get me.  Thanks!

The other reason I know some parents know that I am right? because they are offended by what I have written.  Now let me get one thing straight, my intent was not to offend anyone, but I have long been a proponent of the fact that we have offensiveitis in this country.  That is the disease of being offended at anything that doesn’t live up to ideals of life.  It certainly seems that some of my Facebook friends and family took deep offense to what I said.  To them, I say I am sorry you were offended, but I stand by my statements as both jokes and as truth to the joy that is my life. 

I could respond to all of the offended here individually, but that would be a longer blog than this is already so let me just say this.  I know that children are a blessing.  I know that you love yours more than anything.  However, not having children can be as equal a blessing.  Not having children can allow us the opportunity to do things we wouldn’t have otherwise had the time, resources or inclination to do.   And, it means I don’t have to scrub crayon, paint and pencil off my walls.  See, a blessing!

Perspective.  It really can change your attitude.   I don’t need a child to build a legacy.  I can see the legacy being built in the children of my brother and sister-in-law.  They have so much of their Grandparents, and Great-Grandparents in them already and as a by-product so much of Heather and me too.  That little girl is stubborn and I love it, and love her!  Thanks Mamaw!

Perspective.  It gives us the ability to move forward rather than look backward.  What if becomes what’s next?  We live for what we have, not for what we are constantly trying to tell ourselves is the next logical step.  We deal with the hand we are dealt, not for the wish that some Ace of Spades is lingering as the next card in the deck. 

Perspective.  It changes us.  It allows us to play with the children of our friends and family without letting bitterness, anger and sorrow creep in.  Just ask the parents of the two little girls who jumped all over me Saturday night while I sat their and tickled them.  Just ask the mother of the little girl who will climb on my lap and let me tell her that I love her because her father currently can’t give her the hugs she needs. (thanks army life)  Just ask the mother of the five year old who got to go to on lunch and movie date with me just because it was Tuesday and she didn’t have school.  There are countless other examples, but these are just the most recent.

Heather and I don’t hate kids, we love them.  We love yours.  We love our nephew and neice, and if called upon would care for them just as they were our own.   We love visiting our cousins’ kids spread all over the globe.  We love our friends’ kids, and can’t wait to watch them open gifts just like you can’t wait for your kids to do the same. 

That doesn’t mean it is easy.  Perspective may change, but the truth that we don’t have children hasn’t.  There are moments when it is still tough.  That’s why I am saying right here and now.  Don’t judge people without kids if they don’t come to a birthday party for your 3 year old or if they leave a little bit sooner than you would like.  Don’t be upset if they don’t immediately congratulate you on Facebook after you post a sonogram.  Don’t let the fact that they don’t want to babysit for hours upon hours ruin your relationship with them.  Sometimes it isn’t easy for them to be around children at all.  It can be downright painful.

But perspective can help.  It’s OK to not have children.  It’s a blessing to not have children.  It’s a lot of fun not having children.  There is nothing wrong in believing that or expressing it.  In fact, let me scream from the mountaintop and pass around a cigar, “IT’S A NOTHING!!!”  Man that felt good. 

So as your children get snuggled all nestled in bed

Remember these words plus the ones you just read.

It’s ok to be married without any kids

In fact is great having cups without any lids

Heather and I want to wish you the best

Lots of good food, good gifts, and hopefully some rest

As for Heather and I, we will lay down to sleep

And arise when we want, for we won’t here a peep

No children will jump, no children will scream

Just sincere peace and quite, in all of our dreams

So Merry Christmas to all, and to all your kids too

When they wake in the morn, may it be like a zoo.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Schmitts

PS:  We haven’t stopped practicing!!!