Ripped from the Headlines...

I don’t talk much about my grade school or high school years.  Simply put, my life is so much better today than it was back then, and I don’t think reliving events from 20+ years ago helps me move forward.  I love being Mr. Army Wife.  I love my friends, my family and especially my Soldier, wife and partner Heather.  I wouldn’t trade this life for any other, which is why the past just doesn’t seem to matter to me very much.  What happened happened. 

But, recent events in the news and certain discussions among friends have made me rethink my stance on telling this story.  Not only that, but being a part of the military community makes me realize that this issue is also prevalent within the ranks of our service members.  Should it be?  No!  Does any Soldier deserve it?  Hell No!  But just because someone doesn’t deserve something, doesn’t mean it won’t happen.  Football players don’t deserve it just because they are playing their first season in the NFL.  Children don’t deserve it just because they don’t have the latest sneakers or video games.  And I didn’t deserve it just because…well, just because. 

The topic I am referring to is bullying.  It is a hot button issue with the media today because children are being bullied so bad that they are taking drastic and sometimes fatal actions in order to make the pain stop.  It has gone from a playground problem during a 10 minute school break, to an around the clock social media barrage.   It is not limited to children either.  According to a local CBS news affiliate in New York, 1 in 6 adults has faced some type of workplace bullying.  I am looking around my office (Starbucks) and there are 12 people here, either as employees or patrons.  Are two of them facing this type of harassment?

But I digress, most of us know about the problem.  And some probably have some strong feelings on the subject.  Well, because I have been asked to share my story with a friend on his radio show, I figured I would write about it as well.  Having thought about it for the past couple of days, I can see how my experiences have helped mold me into who I am today.  It’s possible I would never have become Mr. Army Wife, if I had not been bullied. 

I want to first say that I do not see all teasing, name calling or other childish behavior as bullying.  To some extent, while not nice and certainly behavior that needs to be corrected or changed, those things are a part of life.  I have heard it said that kids will be kids, and I think this is true in this case.  There is no serious intent to harm the ego or physical being of a person in some of these cases.  However, it can quickly escalate into much much more. 

With that being said, I can say without a doubt that I was bullied.  I can distinctly remember two clear examples that I will share here for the world to read about.  For the most part I haven’t mentioned these instances to many people because they are embarrassing and painful.  I don’t like reliving them.  But, if they can help others then so be it. Here we go.

The first instance happened in 9^th grade.  It was early in the Spring semester and baseball season had just started.  I was playing for two teams at the time but after a few practices decided to focus only on the city team and not play for the high school.  Some of the baseball players took exception to that decision.  They started teasing me, calling me a wimp and other names that I can’t really remember.  There was some pushing in the halls, my locker was glued shut, and it got to a point where I would walk the other way if I saw one of these boys coming at me in the hall. 

Then one afternoon I was in the locker room changing back into my uniform after P.E. class (catholic school.)  Before I could knew it I was rushed by 4 or 5 guys and grabbed, pulled, tugged and carried from the locker area to the toilet area.  They attempted to give me what was known as a swirly.  With every once of my being I was able to fight off that attack and get away from the toilet.  But that didn’t stop them.  10 hands grabbed me once again, carried me back to the locker area and shoved me into what would become a cage.  I tried so hard to wedge my foot or my hand into the door but no matter how hard I pushed, the baseball team pushed harder and the door slammed shut.  For good measure they put a padlock on the door just to make sure I couldn’t escape.  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t even move.  It was horrifying. 

After what seemed like an eternity, I was freed by one of the older boys on the team who didn’t participate in the chaos, but certainly didn’t stop it.  Most everyone had left the locker room by that point, so I slowly got dressed and headed to my next class.  Waiting outside was a female friend who had already heard what had happened.  She asked if I was ok and then went off to her class as well.  I made it through the day, went home, asked to change schools, was told no, and got to go back the next day to relive the horror again.

I say relive the horror again, because by the next morning everyone knew what had happened including the teachers.  The baseball coach called me to his office and wanted a full account including names.  That was just as terrifying because if I gave up these guys, and they got in trouble then the repercussions for that could be worse than the actual event.  It didn’t matter what I said though.  The boys were stars on the team.  They got slaps on the wrists.  I avoided pretty much everyone and switched schools after the year was over. 

The second even took place in 10^th grade.   I changed schools and for the most part things were going well.  There was still teasing and poking fun, but it was nothing that I wasn’t used too and well adjusted enough to handle.  I had a good group of friends and was on my way to playing baseball for the high school team with no issues.   I had started dating and was enjoying a new hobby.  I was cast as Doodie in the school’s production of Grease. 

Then came the infamous day.  It was lunch break and I was walking down the hall minding my own business.  All of a sudden, a teacher stopped me, spun me around and grabbed something off of my back.  It was a headline from the National Enquirer that read, “I am John Travolta’s Gay Lover.”   I had no idea who put in on there, or how long it had been there, but as I looked around and saw the crowd of students staring, pointing and laughing I knew my experience at this school would never be the same. 

This time the repercussions were so immediately known.  To this day I don’t know who put the sign on my back.  There was no punishment to be dished out.  But I know that it changed me in two ways.  First, after that season ended I never played baseball again.  I am not sure the two are related, but I think my interest in theater and other things caused me to give up on the sport.  Second, I still have a fear of things being placed on my back.  For the first few years, I would reach behind me to see if someone had placed something there.  After a while I would check less frequently, but I still catch myself checking every once in a while. 

 So there they are, my two bullying experiences.  Even writing them took longer than I thought.  But, the more I think about them the more I realize how important they were in shaping who I am today.  If those experiences hadn’t happened I could be a completely different person.  Think about it….

My attackers were guys.  I guess a girl could have put a sign on my back, but I doubt it.  Because of this I have never really had a lot of male friends.  There are some out there but in most cases I have a deeper connection with the females in my life.  Most of my friends are females.   I trust females way more than I do guys, and I certainly find it much easier to speak with them. 

School became a place of negativity.  I was always a good student, but the more I look at these two instances, the more I realize that I started losing focus as a student about the same time.  My grades in the more academic subjects started falling and my creativity and imagination became more prevalent.  Today, I write, act, sing and perform.  I am not a scientist, mathematician or the next great politician (no such thing.)

Baseball changed to theater.   Let’s say I didn’t quit baseball.  This would mean that I couldn’t have been in the school plays, which would mean less commitment to that craft.  I wouldn’t have wanted to be a theater major in college, wouldn’t have gone to the University of South Florida, wouldn’t have met Heather.  OUCH that sucks to even think about.

While I was writing this, a friend walked into Starbucks.  We talked about the subject a little and she reminded me of something so simple.  “God can use every situation and circumstance both positive and negative. “  She’s right!  The more I look back on those two instances, and all of the other instances in which I probably got the short end of the stick, the more I realize that I am who I am today because those events happened, not in spite of them.

What is the point?  Well, the point is that life doesn’t end just because some idiots think you are the butt of their stupid jokes.  The clock keeps ticking, the future remains unknown, and success is not dependent on what some kids did to prove to themselves they were better than you.  They weren’t better than you.  I know those boys weren’t better than me.    The point is that whether you were bullied or the bully, you still have to get up, look in the mirror and decide what you are going to make out of your circumstances.   You can be positive or negative, but only you get to make that decision. 

One more word about those bullies from my past.  I was asked by a friend if I forgave them.  The answer is this…I don’t care enough about them to forgive them.  I don’t know where they are and I don’t care.  I know none of them are pro baseball players so there is some comfort in that, but I guess I just made the decision long ago that they weren’t worth my time.  It happened, it changed me, it’s over.  I’m done with them. 

In closing, let me say this.  I don’t know how to fix the issue of bullying today.  I can see that is more calculated, anonymous and callous than ever.  I can tell that it can cause severe issues both physically and mentally.  I can understand that the need to end it, and protect others from it is more necessary than ever. 

All I can do is offer up my experiences with the truth that while I was bullied, I still turned out alright.  In fact, I love my life.  I love being Mr. Army Wife.  I love being a theater geek, and writer.  I love getting to spend my days cooking and cleaning for the Soldier I spend my days and my nights with.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Is it possible that my life would be just as great if I hadn’t been shoved in a locker or called John Travolta’s gay lover?  Sure!  But would it be this life?  Probably not, and I don’t want any life but the one I have.