No Time Like the
Present
It’s 2014, and a dear friend has challenged me to write a
book. Now, my first question to her was,
“why?” Her reply, “because you offer a unique perspective to the world of
military spousedom. “ I think she made
up the last word, but after thinking about it for a few minutes I realized that
she is right. As a male in what is
primarily a female lifestyle, I do have a different point of view on a lot of
the issues that we as military spouses struggle with on a daily basis. Does that mean that people should listen to
me or read a book filled with what I have to say? I don’t know, but it could be a fun little
experiment, so off I go.
In 14 years of marriage and 13 years as a military family, I
have learned a lot of things. One of the
most important is that we learn primarily through experience and
education. Those with the experience
should help to educate those who aren’t.
While I will never say that I am an expert in any area of life, I do
know a little about a lot of things. I
have experienced a great deal during my time in the army and in the subsequent
years as a Mr. Army Wife. My hope is
that over the next year, I will be able to help others come to understand that
some of the struggles we face can be blessings in disguise.
So join me won’t you.
Over the next 12 months I will be writing about 12 topics that I believe
can help the military family. There will
always be times of great struggle.
Deployments will always contain moments of sadness, loneliness, and
despair. I am here to tell you that I
have shared in those moments. I, too,
have sat on the couch staring at the TV not knowing what show I was watching
with a glass of wine in my hand and an eye on the keyboard waiting, hoping,
crying for an email or an instant message.
If you read everything I write and get nothing from it, please get this,
you are not alone.
Proximity
Do you remember the story of the little girl, her grandpa
and a coastline full of starfish? If
not, here it is. A little girl and her grandpa
were walking along the beach when the little girl noticed that near the water
line hundreds upon hundreds of starfish had washed onto the sand. They became stranded, and would die unless
they could somehow make it back into the water.
Seeing their plight, the little girl rushed to the aid of the desperate
starfish and began, one by one, picking them up and hurling them back into the
safe comforts of their ocean home. Her
grandfather, looking up and down the beach and realizing the enormity of her task,
became immediately puzzled by her actions.
He asked, “Little darling, what are you doing? You can’t possibly save all of the
starfish.” The little girl, cast one
into the water, bent over, picked up another and said, “no, but I can save this
one.”
To me, the little girl understood something that would be a
good lesson to all of us. She understood
the lesson of proximity. Now,
Merriam-Webster defines proximity as “the state of being near.” Google expands on that by calling it
“nearness in space, time and relationship.”
These are important definitions, because as military spouses we have to
understand one thing, our proximity to a person may not always mean we are close
to the physically. Proximity is about
being close, but not always being in a place where we can offer a consoling
hug, or a congratulatory high five.
However, living with an understanding of proximity is important if we
are going to make our military lives not just less of a struggle, but a life
filled with success as well.
Relationship
I like that Google’s definition is divided into three
sections, because it makes it easy for me to choose how to break up the next
three weeks worth of posts. Nearness in
relationships is easy enough because, well, we all have family. Not just the spouses that we are trying to
live this crazy life with, but kids, moms and dads, aunts and uncles, cousins,
grandparents, the list goes on and on. Being
in proximity by blood isn’t always an easy thing and definitely brings it’s own
set of issues, but without the love and support of that family life becomes
even more difficult.
I can remember when Heather and I first decided that we were
going to join the Army. We spent six
weeks preparing for the roughness of basic training by getting into a shape
other than round. We ran, did some
pushups and sit-ups, and watched just about every movie that had some basic
training scenes. Who remembers “In the
Army Now” with Pauly Shore or “Stripes” with Bill Murray? “Private Benjamin” with a very young Goldie
Hawn was on the list. Our personal
favorite was “Renaissance Man.” Starring
Danny Devito and featuring the first big screen appearance for Mark Wahlberg
this movie was shot on location where Heather and I would begin our Army
Career. The steps Heather and I took in
training are the same steps these actors took while filming the movie. But I digress, this isn’t about the
movies.
What it is about is being physically and mentally ready to
go to basic training. I think since
Heather and I joined after we were married and after we had gone through
college, the “Drill Sergeant” aspect didn’t scare us so much. We knew to keep our heads down and just
follow instructions. We knew that thousands
upon thousands of people before us had completed each task. If they could do it, so could we.
However, as the day we were going to sign up for the
military approached there was one thing we hadn’t done yet. We hadn’t told our respective families. We had our Military Occupational Specialty
picked out. We had our paperwork in
order. We even had the support of
friends. But Mom and Dad didn’t
know. That was next.
I guess the nervousness set in because I didn’t know how
they would react. It was early 2001, so
we weren’t in any wars or even light skirmishes at the time. (Little did we know right?) We had chosen an
MOS that we thought would keep us out of harms way even if there were something
going on. We had thought through being
away from home for four years and were certain we could live with it. After all, four years to pay off our student
loans and be debt free was worth it. My
dad would see that.
He did. So did my
Mom. In fact, after several questions
they agreed that joining the military wasn’t a bad idea at all. Since I had to lose 75 lbs. just to go the
recruiter, it had already produced a positive affect. Plus, we had our college degrees, which meant
a higher rate of pay and a higher rank from the beginning. The proposition of joining the Army was smart
in their eyes. SCORE!!!
Why was that important?
Because relational proximity has the ability to provide the emotional
support that you can’t receive any other way.
No matter where we live, no matter what we are doing, no matter which
path our lives travel down, we know that our families are there for us. More on that next week.
Time
Ok, fellow Military Wives, admit it, we move A LOT. Heather and I were talking over the holidays
and we realized that we hadn’t spent two Christmases in the same location since
2003 and 2004. In just the past four
years we have lived in seven different locations. It can be a pain in the neck or a great
adventure depending on how you choose to look at it. I always try to look at the adventure in it,
which is why I think I have learned a valuable lesson in the proximity of time.
I have heard it said, “Live in the moment,” but for me that
isn’t what time means here. To me it
means, “Make the most of where you are, when you are there.” See, I see judge my time in a location not by
how long I am there, but by the relationships I have made. This is a lesson I just now understand, and
it is my current group of close friends, and fellow Military Wives who have
taught it to me.
Long lasting friendships are rare. One of the things Heather and I have learned
over the past 14 years is that deep friendships are usually dependent on
proximity. Once we joined the Army, and
our best friends also found their paths changing, we lost the closeness we once
shared. Don’t get me wrong, I love all
of my friends, but I don’t speak to them everyday as I once did. I am not their go to person when times are
tough, and they aren’t mine. We move, we
make new friends, we call, talk and depend on those who are there, “at the
time.”
As a military spouse, I have made tons of friendships over
the years. Some are military
friendships, some are not, but all of them are special to me in their
individual way. When Heather was
stationed in Florida we were primarily away from the military community. At that time, I had a group of friends that
were single. Heather was going to school
at night and on Valentine’s Day I was able to invite these single friends over
for dinner. I cooked, had a couple of their
kids serve and made what could be a terrible holiday, work out for them. Heather made it home in time for dessert and
we had a wonderful time.
But that was then and this is now. I can’t cook them dinner this year. One is engaged so she may have other
plans. One live further away from
Florida than I do. I can’t provide them
with the same experience because my time in proximity to them is over. That
can be sad, yes, but it can also open us up to all kinds of possibilities and
new experiences. Each person brought
into our life adds something to it. That’s
an important aspect to proximity.
Space
I live in North Prince George, Virginia on the outskirts of
Richmond. Heather is stationed at Fort
Lee. This is the space we occupy at this
point in our Army career. It is the community
in which we have been placed. That is
the final aspect to proximity. The space
we are in is the community in which we live.
There is so much that we can do in our communities. Find out what you are passionate about and
then find a way to help others with that passion. On Fort Lee there is a Theater Company. I love performing live theater, so this one
of the places where I volunteer my time.
In Richmond is the Fisher House.
They help military families by providing a place for them to stay while their
Soldiers receive medical treatment.
There really is no shortage of ways to positively occupy the space you
are proximal to.
When it comes to proximity really the choice is up to
you. You can be like the grandfather who
views the larger picture of starfish abandoned on the stretch of beach and sees
a global problem that can never be solved.
This leads to more complaining and moaning about how life isn’t fair,
about how everyone is against you and about how nothing will every change. Or you can view life like the granddaughter
and realize that by helping one, by understanding your proximity, you are changing
the world.
We are all in proximity to others whether it be in space,
time or relationship. Over the coming
weeks, we will look at each of these deeper and explore how they can affect our
military lives. It is a great adventure.
I hope you will take it with me.
